BIGFOOT, BEARS, AND BRANCHES

It’s shocking what can be living in your own neck of the woods without you even being aware of it. I’m not talking about weird neighbors who everyone suspects are mobsters in the witness protection program because they wear track suits with lots of gold jewelry and their names are clearly fake. No one believes that an overweight, middle-aged man who slicks back his hair is actually named Chip. No, I’m talking about creatures that are far more interesting and whose wives wear far less eye makeup.

Before I wrote my novel BIGFOOT CSI last year, I had no idea that there had been Bigfoot sightings anywhere near my house in suburban Atlanta. Aren’t Bigfoot all in the Pacific Northwest? Apparently not. A little research revealed that there had been Bigfoot spotted in my county, just a few miles from my house. And not just one Bigfoot report, either. Multiple reports, including on one occasion when there had been a pair of them together. 

Knowing that Bigfoot might be roving the countryside is exciting enough, but there was also a report of a dead sea serpent-type creature found in the State of Georgia last year. The report came from a guy who had been walking along the coast where the Altamaha River spills into the Atlantic Ocean. He snapped a couple photos of the body, then left the area (duh!). When he returned--presumably to collect the creature and sell it to the highest bidder for a zillion dollars--the body was gone. Bummer. It’s that easy for a zillion dollars to get washed out to sea at high tide.

Maybe it’s hard for people to accept that a seven-foot-tall hominid covered in hair could remain hidden just fifty miles from downtown Atlanta. Maybe you don’t believe in sea serpents swimming through rivers in one of the original 13 American colonies. If that’s the case, then in the words of Darth Vader, "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Whether you’re a believer in cryptids or not, how do you feel about bears? I thought that the biggest four-footed beast in the woods around my house was my neighbor’s golden retriever, but according to a recent article in the local Newnan Times-Herald newspaper, we’ve got black bears in the area. Apparently they come out in the spring after they wake up from their winter naps, and they start looking for food to help them bulk up after long months of fasting in their dens.

There are more than 4000 black bears in the State of Georgia, and multiple reports of the animals have come from areas within a 30-minute drive of my house. It never occurred to me that I might spot a bear in my little Atlanta suburb, but apparently it’s happened to other people. The body of one poor young bear was even found on a county road last spring, the apparent victim of a hit-and-run. Bears are notoriously lax when it comes to looking both ways before crossing the street.

So wherever you live, remember that unexpected creatures can be anywhere. Next time you’re taking a hike in the woods or along the seashore or just down the block, be extra vigilant. Any furtive motion or dark shadow or unexplained noise might only be a branch waving in the wind, or it might be something far more exciting. It could be Bigfoot or a sea serpent or maybe a bear. And if it is any of those things, please send me an email. A photo, too, if you’ve got a camera handy. Just don’t take pictures of your freaky witness protection neighbor loading a dead body into his trunk. Or if you do photograph him, and he catches you, please don’t mention my name. I ain’t seen nuthin’.

Brand new redesigned website

 I'm proud to announce that I pulled myself together and re-designed my website.

 
Well, to be honest, I didn't do it. I don't know how to use WordPress, and the very idea was so daunting that I dragged my feet for nearly a year after my web host company told me they would no longer support the cruddy old drag-and-drop system I had used back in the dark ages to create my old site.

Finally, it got too embarrassing to have a site I couldn't update, so I bit the bullet and hired a web designer. She did a beautiful job in record time to get the new site up and running. 

So check out this cool new site. It's got everything: spooky atmosphere, funny stories, lousy advice, and lots of monsters. Please tell me what you think! It's at https://kosbornsullivan.com/ and tell 'em Kim sent you!

Bigfoot Diet

In the days leading up to yesterday’s Super Bowl, the news was filled with stories about how the New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is older than the Grand Canyon, yet he’s still in top shape. How does he do it? 

Is it clean living? Unlikely since most multi-millionaires married to supermodels aren’t known for moderation. 

Could he have had himself cloned ten years ago, and the clone is still young enough to play football? Maybe, but if there were two Tom Bradys, then they’d just fight over which of them gets to wear all the Super Bowl rings. 

Could Patriots coach Bill Belichick be a necromancer who employs the Dark Arts to keep his quarterback healthy? Experts agree that Belichick is probably a necromancer, but he uses most of his power to keep up the illusion that he’s not Darth Sidious from Star Wars.

No, the explanation that has been offered for how Tom Brady has maintained his skills as a top quarterback at the ripe old age of 40 is his diet. He doesn’t eat anything that tastes good—like sugar or bread or dairy—and instead focuses on vegetables and lean protein. He won’t even eat tomatoes for some inexplicable reason.

The whole thing seems like no fun at all, and I figured there had to be a better way to maintain a healthy body. So I looked to the forest for an answer. That’s when I discovered the Bigfoot Diet.

No one has ever reported seeing a sick or old Bigfoot, despite thousands of sightings every year. He runs as fast as lightning, and he’s as strong as a bear. That means whatever Bigfoot is eating must be giving him super strength and longevity. Let’s consider what Bigfoot eats. Based on the sightings, he mostly steals food from people camping in the woods. What do people bring on camping trips? Hot dogs, granola bars, canned baked beans, potato chips, and the makings for s’mores. That’s the backwoods version of a balanced diet.

What this means is that if we want to live long, healthy lives with superhuman strength, we can either eat like Tom Brady, or we can stop punishing our taste buds and adopt the Bigfoot Diet. If sugar, preservatives, and salty, canned vegetables are good enough for Bigfoot, then they’re good enough for me, too.