Walker Stalker Fail

I'm too clueless to stalk celebrities. It's a shame, too, because I live in an area where they do a lot of filming for The Walking Dead. If I were any good at being a "Walker Stalker," as they're commonly known, I'd have lots of opportunities to practice. But sadly I don't have a firm enough handle on what's happening around me to be much use as a celebrity stalker. Take this afternoon's adventure as proof of my point.

Today I was having lunch at the Senoia Coffee Shop, which is across the street from where they're currently filming Walking Dead. I know that multiple cast members are onsite because friends have met them this week, pictures of them have been taken at this very coffee shop within the past couple days, and I can actually see the cast members' trailers from the table where I'm sitting outside the restaurant. It's not as if I don't have a heads-up that there might be a celebrity sighting. Despite that, I've got my glasses off and my nose buried in the notebook I'm writing in.

The server had just dropped off my chai latte when two girls walked up to the restaurant with a dog. As usual, I ignored the people and focused on the animal. I said, "What a cute dog!" One of the girls said, "Excuse me?" I replied, "I like your dog." The girls gave me a strange look, tied up the dog, and went into the coffee shop. Then a herd of excited fans ran over. They told me the girls with the dog are Maggie and Tara from WD. The fans seemed shocked that anyone could be as oblivious as I was and not recognize the stars. Join the club. I was pretty disappointed in myself. Although, to be fair, he's a really cute dog.

So, to sum up, in my one brush with greatness, I managed to make two stars of one of my favorite shows think that I didn't know who they were. Technically that was because (at the time) I didn't know who they were. Well played. I can hardly wait to see how I inadvertently insult the stars of my other favorite shows. Maybe someday I'll meet James Spader from The Blacklist and ask if he used to be thinner when he was on Boston Legal. Or maybe I can ask any guy from Game of Thrones if he stuffs his codpiece. And I shudder to think what kind of ridiculousness will pop out of my mouth if I ever meet anyone from Grimm. Maybe from now on I should just stay home and leave celebrity stalking to the professionals at TMZ.

It's a (zombie) wrap

The zombies have left the building. Driving by downtown Senoia today, it was clear that this round of Walking Dead filming was done. The trailers and cars and signs redirecting traffic were all gone. Which is kind of scary because it means all those zombies are roaming the countryside, perhaps on their way to your community. Actually, they're probably going to Atlanta.

It makes sense that they'd have to finish up if any of the Walking Dead cast members are going to attend DragonCon in Atlanta this weekend. If you've never been to DragonCon, may I recommend that you slip into your Star Fleet uniform, jump in the car, and make your way to Atlanta. They do this massive sci fi/fantasy convention every year over Labor Day weekend, and it's crazy. Think tens of thousands of your best friends overflowing from multiple huge conference hotels, all talking about sci fi/fantasy movies, TV, books, gaming, and everything else you can imagine. I've never experienced anything quite like it. Bring your camera, your autograph book, and money for double espressos to keep you awake for the 24-hour festivities.

This year, some of my favorites are scheduled, including Data from Star Trek TNG, Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Monroe from Grimm. How can you help but have fun with a crew like that?

Have a happy DragonCon weekend!

Pop culture confusion

Today I was standing in line at Wal-Mart reading the cover of US Weekly when it dawned on me that I had no idea who any of those people are. None of them. Apparently someone knows them, because the US Weekly editors were just referring to them by first names, but I didn't have a clue. So does this mean that I'm officially old and permanently out of the pop culture loop? Maybe, but perhaps more evidence is needed before I move to a retirement home and start wearing black socks with my sandals.

Fortunately, there's a source for that additional evidence. I watched the Grammy Awards last night and was startled to find that I knew who most of the nominees and presenters were. Not all of them, but most. I even had some of the Grammy-nominated songs on my phone. OK, I'm feeling less clueless already.

Here's the final test: I spent the weekend at the Capricon science fiction/fantasy convention and it was a blast. It's so much fun to be surrounded by people who like the same movies, books, and TV shows that I do. I understood the slogans on the T-shirts, the jokes, and had lots to talk about with the other conference attendees.

What does all this mean? Probably that I'm a little out of it (Who's Kourtney and why does US Magazine think she's important?), but when it comes to cool stuff (like Grimm and hobbits) I'm not quite ready for a senior citizens discount on the Early Bird Special. Not that an Early Bird Special is so bad. What's not to love about spending less on dinner, then getting home before it gets dark?

Career change?

A career change seems appropriate. Sure, writing's nice and all, but I might be better suited for a  career in TV. No, not acting. That would demand that I don't gain weight and sometimes have to kiss perfect strangers on camera.

No, I'm thinking more along the lines of television programming. I plan to sell my services to rival TV networks. Whoever pays me the most will get me to watch their rival networks' new season of TV shows. If I'm watching the shows, that will guarantee that no one else on the planet will watch them and they'll be immediately cancelled. No matter how good they are.

Think of the advantage for the network that pays me! The obvious implication here is that no matter how lousy the shows that my employing network is producing, they'll stay on the air as long as I don't watch them. No matter how excellent the rival networks' shows are, they'll be cancelled!

You might wonder what qualifies me for this particular line of work. Let me give you some examples of great shows that I watched that were cancelled within their first season: Firefly. I loved Firefly. Everyone who ever watched Firefly loved it. That was the best show ever. And it had a target on its forehead before the first episode even aired. Remember Moonlight with the vampires and the reporter? Gone. Last season I watched The Finder. Apparently everyone heard that I liked it because it was cancelled.

Maybe you think this is just a recent phenomenon that's occurring because of the heightened competition for viewers in an internet world. But no, my ability to kill a TV show has existed for years. There was a TV show on years ago based on the Mortal Kombat video game. It was terrific. And it was cancelled. They left me hanging after the end of Season 1.

Thankfully there have been some exceptions over the years, and I'm grateful that my curse didn't afflict shows like Grimm and Person of Interest. I foolishly watched those shows from their first episodes, laughing at fate and daring the networks to cancel them. But somehow they managed to survive, even though I was watching. These shows were the exception, and too many others succumbed to my kiss of death.

This year the curse has struck again. I've been enjoying 666 Park Avenue and Last Resort, only to learn recently that they're both going the way of other entertaining programs that weren't identical to every other show on TV. What's wrong with just giving a show a chance to build an audience?

But enough whining. As long as the networks are going to mess with me anyway, I might as well make some money from it. So, attention TV executives: If you want to see your rivals' new season go the way of the dinosaur, just write a check to me. And don't be stingy. You're going to have to outbid all the other networks, otherwise my curse will be used against you. Nothing personal; it's just business. I look forward to working with you.

Kim

New Fall Shows

New fall TV shows! It's great timing that the networks put on a bunch of new shows every year just when the weather's turning cold and we're looking for an excuse to stay inside for the next six months.

Every year there are some new shows that I love and add to my must-see list. And if I'm lucky, at least a couple of them survive and aren't immediately cancelled. There's nothing more frustrating than a great show that doesn't even survive an entire season. Firefly and Moonlight come to mind and still hurt every time I think of them.

The 2011/12 season offered a bunch of fun new shows, and some of them are still around. Some of last year's favorites are Grimm, Person of Interest, Once Upon a Time, Alphas, Veep, and Girls. I had high hopes for Grimm from the beginning, but Person of Interest and Alphas were awesome surprises. And I resisted Once Upon a Time for months until my mom talked me into giving it a chance. Other good shows didn't the year, and I'm left without closure. Those include The Finder, Ringer, Off the Map, and The River.

This year, I'm looking forward to checking out a whole new batch of new shows. Premier episodes for these are on my DVR so I can check them out and see if they're worth continuing: Arrow, Elementary, Go On, 666 Park Avenue, Beauty and the Beast, and Revolution. I've already seen Revolution and Go On, and they were pretty good. I'm not sure what to expect with Beauty and the Beast because I loved the old show by that name that starred Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman. 666 Park Avenue looks cool, but if it's too scary, then I'll have to turn it off because otherwise I won't be able to sleep ever again.

So I'm hoping for a good TV season and that my favorite new shows don't get cancelled. Of course, some have to be cancelled, otherwise I won't have time to do anything but watch television. And, frankly, what would be so bad about that?

OK, I've got to go and set up my DVR. Happy TV viewing!

Bigfoot: Coming to a neighborhood near you!

A family of Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) is living in my town. At least that's what my local newspaper says. It ran a story yesterday that said someone had been out walking his dog in a forest preserve when he saw two huge, brown furry creatures disappear into the woods. These creatures were 8 to 10 feet tall, smelled rank, and one of them screamed. Best of all, the Bigfeet threw rocks at the guy and his dog. So they're big, stinky, and aggressive. The person reporting the incident described himself as a skeptic when it came to Bigfoot, so it wasn't like he had been out in the woods hoping to see a mythical creature.

How cool is that? Bigfoot – even better – a family of Bigfeet living down the block from me? And even if the story is false, then maybe I've got a prankster or drunk or delusional crackpot living down the block from me who's lurking in the woods at night. Either way, I win. And my property value should start to climb any day now.

I learned in the newspaper story that there are way more Bigfoot sightings every year than I would have ever imagined. They're not all in the Northwest, either. They're spread around the United States, including here in Illinois where I live. Some people report their Bigfoot sightings to the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization where data on these incidents is collected. That's how the newspaper found out about the sighting near my house; the witness had reported it anonymously at the organization's website.

Stan Courtney, a Bigfoot researcher from Illinois, said Bigfeet like heavily wooded areas. They're also fond of bike paths and railroad tracks for walking. After all, who wants to blaze a trail through the brush if you don't have to? At Courtney's website www.StanCourtney.com he also noted the tendency of Bigfoot creatures to leave gifts. Of course, Bigfoot's idea of a gift (a skunk tail or rocks) might not be the same as most humans', but it's the thought that counts.

As much as I want to believe that legends like Bigfoot are for real, I have one big objection to them: Where are the bodies? If Bigfoots are wandering across the country, then somebody must have found a body by now. Unless they're immortal, which seems unlikely since nothing they seem related to (humans, monkeys) is immortal. Or maybe the TV show Grimm had it right in their Bigfoot episode. The creatures are actually humans that transform like werewolves, but they revert to human form when they die. But that seems strange, too, because we don't know of any other animals that do that.

The newspaper interviewed our county's forest preserve director to see if his office knew anything about Bigfoot sightings. He said no, although there's somebody in the office who fantasizes about dressing up in a Bigfoot costume. Yick. That's a subject for a whole different kind of blog. He also said that the person who spotted the Bigfeet was breaking the law by being in a forest preserve after dark. Really? Leave it to a bureaucrat to suck all the wonder out of life.

So am I living next door to a family of Sasquatch? Maybe. Which means I've got to be alert to things like skunk tails left on my property, rocks being thrown in my direction, and horrible stenches. Of course, those things would have gotten my attention before. Only now I know their true source. Cue Twilight Zone music.

Kim