It’s Olympics time again! I’m not an athlete by any
definition of the word, yet I’m enthralled by the Olympics for some reason. For
that reason, nothing will be accomplished at my house while there’s the
possibility of watching Shaun White slide around a halfpipe. It’s better to
just admit it and enjoy the ride. I’ve learned a few things since Thursday when
I started watching the Olympics nonstop:
1. Bling is appropriate attire for all figure
skaters—both male and female—as well as commentators and spectators for figure
skating events.
2. Female athletes in practically all other sports have long
hair that hangs out the back of their big knit ski caps with pompons on top.
Under those hats, you’ve got some serious cases of hat-head.
3. Even if you nearly died in pursuit of excellence in your
sport, that doesn’t give you an excuse to quit and get a less hazardous job.
One year after being in a medically induced coma, you must be back on the ice,
slopes, etc. and you will be called “brave” or “heroic” because of your lack of
concern for your own personal safety.
4. Age 25 is old. Age 30 is ancient. Anyone over 35 in the
Olympic Village must be either an athlete’s mom or Katie Couric.
5. Many of these sports are nothing more than elaborate
practical jokes. Curling comes to mind. Other “sports” like the luge, started
when a couple of bored Scandinavians were looking for something to do during
their 15-month-long winter. One guy said, “Here, hold my beer.” Next thing you
know, Sven is sliding down a mountain on a piece of wood duct-taped to a couple
skates. Since Sven was unlikely to survive, Lars got to drink his beer.
6. You don’t have to be from a country in order to represent
that nation in the Olympics. It’s unclear why. That seems like the basic point
of this entire exercise, yet plenty of people are representing countries that
they have never even travelled to. Seriously. They don’t speak the language and
couldn’t identify that nation’s capital. Yet, there they are, skating (or
luging or skiing, etc.) their hearts out for the fine people of _______
(insert random country name here).
7. Most of this is pretty meaningless in the grand scheme of
things. None of these athletes are doing anything that’s particularly beneficial
to humanity or our planet. Is it important to know how fast an 18-year-old can
ski a course of bumps and jumps? Not really. It won’t cure cancer or eliminate
hunger or fix global warming. It’s nice that people from nations around the
world can get together and live in one little village for a few weeks without
killing each other, but keep in mind that they’re all locked in serious
competition with one another the whole time. It’s not like they’re all there
for a drum circle or something.
It's time to get back to my TV. At any moment, Shaun White
might find himself on the side of a snow-covered mountain, and I'm going to see
every moment of it.
