Hot Blooded or Maybe Cold?

Please take a break from hoarding toilet paper and touching your face to consider how this covid-19 pandemic might affect the cryptid community. Cryptids are those creatures that enlightened individuals know are real, while the so-called “scientific” community refuses to acknowledge their existence. Cryptids include popular characters like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and Mothman, as well as lesser-known creatures like the Jersey Devil and chupacabra. Even vampires, werewolves, and zombies are cryptids. There are thousands of people who claim to have seen one, but there’s no widely accepted scientific evidence that proves their existence.

What if cryptids have been living among us for years—hiding in plain sight? The guy next door tells you he’s a cop who works third shift, but what if the real reason he sleeps all day and goes out at night is that he’s a vampire? What if Bigfoot works for the National Park Service as a forest ranger and shaves himself once a year so he can go to town and get the newest iPhone? Werewolves can live perfectly normal lives 27 days out of the month, but then, on that last day, watch out! Everything was going fine for cryptids, until this virus. Now suddenly they have to worry about whether their body temperature is the same as a normal human’s.

Taking people’s temperature is becoming a popular way to identify those who are sick with the virus. A normal human body temperature is around 98.6 degrees F, and if it’s much higher than that, then the person has a fever. A fever is a possible symptom of the covid-19 virus. Recently Apple announced they’ll be taking the temperature of every person who wants to enter an Apple store and get help figuring out how to use their phone. Many workplaces around the world have adopted temperature checks at the beginning of the workday in order to make sure sick employees can’t infect others. The airlines have proposed checking passengers before boarding planes. It sounds like a good plan from a human’s point of view, but what if you’re a cryptid and your temperature is nowhere near 98.6?

Only Bigfoot’s doctor knows what his temperature is, and he can’t tell because that information is protected by the HIPAA privacy laws. However, we can make some assumptions. Bigfoot might be safe shaving himself and going to the Apple Store for a new iPhone if he’s biologically similar to a human or other large omnivorous mammal. For instance, a polar bear’s temperature is the same as a human’s. A gorilla’s is slightly lower at 96 degrees, so if Bigfoot is genetically similar to a gorilla, he should be fine because at least he doesn’t have a fever. However, if he’s more like a lion, then Bigfoot will have to switch to Android phones because Apple won’t let him in their store with a temperature of 101 F.

What about Mothman, you might be asking? Well, he probably can’t go to work or buy an iPhone since birds have body temperatures up around 105 F. Fortunately, he can fly on his own, so he doesn’t have to worry about getting on an airplane.

Cryptids like vampires and zombies have real problems because their bodies are room temperature. Try explaining to the kid at Apple’s Genius Bar why your body is 20 degrees below normal. He’s not going to buy your story. Not for nothing is he called a genius. Or what about a lizard man that’s cold blooded? He’d probably have to spend hours sun bathing on a rock before being allowed on a plane, but if he falls asleep and stays too long, then he’s in fever territory.

Next time you’re frustrated by the inconvenience of wearing a mask or not being to attend a concert with thousands of your closest friends, think of the hardships experienced by our cryptid friends. And stop touching your face.

THIS BITES

Today we’re trying something new. We have a guest blogger! From what I understand that means someone else gets to write while I relax and sip lemonade by the pool. Meanwhile, I get credit for posting a blog, even though I didn’t do any of the work. It seems like a sweet deal. So, allow me to introduce Tweedy Britches. He’s the author of a new book that teaches readers how to defend themselves against monsters. Practical advice from an, er, interesting young man. Take it away, Tweedy!

You know that feeling when you’re walking down a deserted cemetery path at midnight on Halloween during a full moon? It’s a feeling that says you just made a huge mistake when you chose to go for a stroll alone and completely unarmed—except for the giant bag of candy collected while trick-or-treating earlier in the evening. Yes, of course, everyone knows that feeling. We’ve all been in that position. Unfortunately, most of us never lived to tell the tale. Why? Monsters, of course.

 

Yes, that’s right. Monsters. Werewolves, vampires, zombies, and evil witches. The so-called experts, including your parents, doctors, priests, teachers, and even the President or Prime Minister of whatever country you live in, will insist that monsters don’t exist. But they’re wrong. They’re just trying to calm you down because the herds of monsters out there freak them out, too. Plus, if you don’t believe in monsters, you’ll let your guard down and the monsters will get you first, thus giving them time to run away and hide.

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Tweedy Britches, the author of the new book THIS BITES: A FIELD GUIDE TO MONSTER DEFENSE. The fool wandering through a cemetery on Halloween in the paragraph above was me. Back then, I didn’t have a clue about monsters, until that night when a pack of werewolves nearly ended me. And, possibly worse, nearly got my bag of Halloween candy. Since that night, I’ve studied monsters—all types of monsters—and learned how to avoid them, escape from them, defeat them, and, in a worst-case scenario, what to do if you’re turned into a monster.

This Bites was published last month by Kissing Frog Books, LLC, and already it’s helped keep many people—kids and adults and teenagers who are technically kids but who think they’re adults because they can drive and have jobs—safe from attacks by dangerous, evil, and often stinky monsters. Although I’m young, I’ve already spent years learning about monsters, and This Bites compiles that research into one book that you can secret upon your person and have available at all times. One never knows when the teenager taking your order in the hamburger drive-thru on a full moon night will transform into a hungry werewolf, climb through your car window, and try to snack on your left arm. Or when a vampire on the bus looks at you like you’re a blood-filled juice box. And zombies? They can emerge from anywhere at any time—often in large, foul-smelling numbers—and attack without warning. What should you do? If you had a copy of This Bites, you’d know exactly what to do. Without this book? Well, let’s not think about that, shall we?

This Bites doesn’t just give you practical advice about keeping yourself safe from monsters. It also allows you to test your knowledge with quizzes and improve your skills with activities. You’ll learn how to make a weapon to use against vampires and how to identify vampires next time you visit an amusement park. Although, full disclosure, the book tells you never to visit an amusement park. Or anywhere else, for that matter. You shouldn’t ever leave your house since monsters are everywhere. They might be in your house, too, but space limitations inside your bedroom limit the number of creepy creatures that can be in there. Be safe; stay inside.

Well, it’s been fun guest blogging today. I don’t get a chance to meet many new people since I take my own advice and avoid going outside. I also don’t like answering the door or opening the mail or picking up the phone since monsters can be anywhere. But blogging seems fairly safe since I can do it while locked in my closet with a blanket over my head.

I’d like to leave you with these inspirational parting words that I share with everyone. They’re words that can never be repeated often enough in this world we live in: LOOK BEHIND YOU!

Regards, Tweedy Britches

Well, I hope you enjoyed this guest blog from Tweedy Britches. I certainly enjoyed my time in the pool. Hopefully Tweedy didn’t frighten any of you too badly. He can be an intense young man for sure. But, as you’ll notice, he hasn’t been eaten by any monsters lately, so it seems to be working for him. Be safe out there! Now it’s time to get more lemonade.

Kim

Supernatural

Supernatural is my new favorite show. I know, I’m late to the party. It’s been the favorite show of lots of people for over a decade. But better late than never, right? 

This all started a few months ago when we finally got the miracle of Netflix (imagine a choir of angels singing when I say “Netflix”). Again, late to the party, but life’s a journey, not just a destination, and my journey goes at a slow, meandering pace that often deviates from the marked trails. Anyway, we got Netflix (angels singing) and I was able to catch up on a few seasons of Shameless and Orange is the New Black that I had missed back in the dark ages when all I had was cable and no commercial-free Netflix (wake up those angels again). I watched a couple episodes of that show where the girl gets turned into a zombie, but she continues to work. It was good, and I plan to go back to it, but it bothered me that even after a person is dead, she still has to have a job. Then I got diverted when a friend recommended all 153(ish) seasons of Supernatural.

Episode #1 hooked me. Some woman was pinned to the ceiling and caught fire! That was quite an image. I’m now in Season 10. Thank goodness there are so many seasons—and all available commercial-free through the miracle of Netflix (somebody nudge those angels and get them harmonizing).

Supernatural has it all: demons, vampires, angels (not the nice choir variety that sing when I say "Netflix"; most of these angels are total jerks), ghosts, werewolves, and a couple of funny, handsome Winchester brothers at the heart of it all. It’s especially fun how they switch back and forth between more serious episodes that move forward an overarching plot, and one-off episodes that focus on a “small” monster that the guys have to deal with. For instance, there was a season where the guys were fighting back against the leviathan that were trying to take over the earth and harvest people for dinner, but then sometimes they’d get diverted with a comparatively mundane problem like a ghost or something. It’s a blast.

In addition to being entertaining, Supernatural is educational. It offers ideas for using excess table salt to ward off ghosts and how to attract crossroads demons that can grant your fondest wish—for 10 years until the agreement expires and your soul is cast into the pits of hell. The Big Bang Theory doesn’t do that. Although Big Bang Theory is pretty funny, too.

So everyday I watch one or two episodes of my new favorite show and am gradually working my way through the seasons through the miracle of Netflix (angels: you know what to do). The only downside is that I’m not spending enough time working on the sequel to my novel Bigfoot CSI. What would really help is an entire Bigfoot season on Supernatural. Talk about the perfect crossover! Can somebody please talk to the Winchesters about making that happen?

Bigfoot Erotica

The “Rise” of Bigfoot Erotica

Sometimes you wake up in the morning and discover that half the people you know have sent you messages about Bigfoot erotica. When it happens, you know it’s going to be that kind of day. 

This morning I woke to learn that Bigfoot erotica has become “the next big thing” (ewah) and it’s all over the news. Turns out, some guy named Denver Riggleman is running for Congress, and his Democratic opponent has accused him of being an aficionado of Bigfoot erotica. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, as they say. But apparently there is something wrong with that in the minds of some voters if you’re running for Congress. Which is strange, because Bigfoot porn is the least harmful thing politicians have done in recent memory.

My novel Bigfoot CSI is a funny YA story that does have a romantic subplot between a 16-year-old girl and—wait for it—a Bigfoot! Not erotica (it’s appropriate for teens), but there is romantic physical contact between the pair. Full disclosure: The Bigfoot in question is a hybrid—his mother is a wild animal living in the forest; his dad is a forest ranger.

The story about would-be Congressman Riggleman got me curious, so I did some research and learned that there are lots of very popular (and lucrative) stories floating around out there about humans carrying on with Bigfoot. If I had known, maybe I should have written the story about the lady Bigfoot and her forest ranger boyfriend instead of a funny story about her teenage son and a high school girl.

The popularity of Bigfoot erotica shouldn’t come as a surprise. It’s the next logical step after romances between humans and vampires, werewolves, zombies, aliens, Greek gods, and who knows what else. Why not Bigfoot? Can’t a giant, hairy forest-dweller get a little love?

Pick up your copy of Bigfoot CSI and enjoy a little Bigfoot romance for yourself. No, it's not erotica--it's better because if you get caught reading the book at work or school or at your cousin's baptism, it won't be hideously embarrassing. It won't even cost anything because from Thursday, August 2 through Saturday, August 4 (Pacific Time), the ebook edition of Bigfoot CSI will be free on Amazon.com. Read it, love it, review it, and tell everyone you know!

Dead People!

Sometimes I worry about dead people. In horror movies, zombies are pretty creepy because of their single-minded focus and complete inability to be reasoned with. Individually they're not a huge threat, but in large numbers (and they always come in large numbers), they're a force to be reckoned with. Vampires as depicted by Hollywood aren't terribly scary. Sure they're merciless murder machines, but it's usually over quickly and they're still human enough to maybe be talked out of killing a victim. In fact, if movies and TV are to be believed, vampires are more interested in falling in love and spending ridiculous amounts of money on humans than slaughtering them.

Ghosts freak me out because I actually believe in them. I make a point of avoiding movies and TV shows about hauntings or general ghost activity because they might prevent me from ever sleeping again. I worry about someday buying a house that's haunted, then not knowing what to do to get rid of it. You've got to disclose that to a potential buyer, right? And they'd probably insist that you drop your asking price. Talk about scary.

Anyway, speaking of scary things, I've just released a new book. I started writing it years ago when my husband and I moved into a house located next door to an old cemetery. (Much as I worry about dead people, old cemeteries aren't scary – just cool.) On one of our many walks through the graveyard, we noticed a headstone that marked the grave of a woman who had been born 150 years ago. Oddly, it didn't have a date of death carved on it. She had to be dead, but why wasn't her year of death on the gravestone? It piqued my curiosity, and I started doing some research to figure out what had happened. Unfortunately, I knew nothing about genealogical research, so the whole thing was a learning experience.

This new book of mine, called Graveyard Kids, is the fictionalized account of my search to figure out what happened to the tombstone's owner. It's a fascinating story that I tell from the perspective of a seventh grade girl who's living at the cemetery because her father is the graveyard's caretaker. And I might have added a little vampire intrigue to keep the readers' interest. The book is available at Amazon in both hard copy and Kindle versions, and it's also available everywhere else as an ebook. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Happy reading!