Hot Blooded or Maybe Cold?

Please take a break from hoarding toilet paper and touching your face to consider how this covid-19 pandemic might affect the cryptid community. Cryptids are those creatures that enlightened individuals know are real, while the so-called “scientific” community refuses to acknowledge their existence. Cryptids include popular characters like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and Mothman, as well as lesser-known creatures like the Jersey Devil and chupacabra. Even vampires, werewolves, and zombies are cryptids. There are thousands of people who claim to have seen one, but there’s no widely accepted scientific evidence that proves their existence.

What if cryptids have been living among us for years—hiding in plain sight? The guy next door tells you he’s a cop who works third shift, but what if the real reason he sleeps all day and goes out at night is that he’s a vampire? What if Bigfoot works for the National Park Service as a forest ranger and shaves himself once a year so he can go to town and get the newest iPhone? Werewolves can live perfectly normal lives 27 days out of the month, but then, on that last day, watch out! Everything was going fine for cryptids, until this virus. Now suddenly they have to worry about whether their body temperature is the same as a normal human’s.

Taking people’s temperature is becoming a popular way to identify those who are sick with the virus. A normal human body temperature is around 98.6 degrees F, and if it’s much higher than that, then the person has a fever. A fever is a possible symptom of the covid-19 virus. Recently Apple announced they’ll be taking the temperature of every person who wants to enter an Apple store and get help figuring out how to use their phone. Many workplaces around the world have adopted temperature checks at the beginning of the workday in order to make sure sick employees can’t infect others. The airlines have proposed checking passengers before boarding planes. It sounds like a good plan from a human’s point of view, but what if you’re a cryptid and your temperature is nowhere near 98.6?

Only Bigfoot’s doctor knows what his temperature is, and he can’t tell because that information is protected by the HIPAA privacy laws. However, we can make some assumptions. Bigfoot might be safe shaving himself and going to the Apple Store for a new iPhone if he’s biologically similar to a human or other large omnivorous mammal. For instance, a polar bear’s temperature is the same as a human’s. A gorilla’s is slightly lower at 96 degrees, so if Bigfoot is genetically similar to a gorilla, he should be fine because at least he doesn’t have a fever. However, if he’s more like a lion, then Bigfoot will have to switch to Android phones because Apple won’t let him in their store with a temperature of 101 F.

What about Mothman, you might be asking? Well, he probably can’t go to work or buy an iPhone since birds have body temperatures up around 105 F. Fortunately, he can fly on his own, so he doesn’t have to worry about getting on an airplane.

Cryptids like vampires and zombies have real problems because their bodies are room temperature. Try explaining to the kid at Apple’s Genius Bar why your body is 20 degrees below normal. He’s not going to buy your story. Not for nothing is he called a genius. Or what about a lizard man that’s cold blooded? He’d probably have to spend hours sun bathing on a rock before being allowed on a plane, but if he falls asleep and stays too long, then he’s in fever territory.

Next time you’re frustrated by the inconvenience of wearing a mask or not being to attend a concert with thousands of your closest friends, think of the hardships experienced by our cryptid friends. And stop touching your face.

Bigfoot Erotica

The “Rise” of Bigfoot Erotica

Sometimes you wake up in the morning and discover that half the people you know have sent you messages about Bigfoot erotica. When it happens, you know it’s going to be that kind of day. 

This morning I woke to learn that Bigfoot erotica has become “the next big thing” (ewah) and it’s all over the news. Turns out, some guy named Denver Riggleman is running for Congress, and his Democratic opponent has accused him of being an aficionado of Bigfoot erotica. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, as they say. But apparently there is something wrong with that in the minds of some voters if you’re running for Congress. Which is strange, because Bigfoot porn is the least harmful thing politicians have done in recent memory.

My novel Bigfoot CSI is a funny YA story that does have a romantic subplot between a 16-year-old girl and—wait for it—a Bigfoot! Not erotica (it’s appropriate for teens), but there is romantic physical contact between the pair. Full disclosure: The Bigfoot in question is a hybrid—his mother is a wild animal living in the forest; his dad is a forest ranger.

The story about would-be Congressman Riggleman got me curious, so I did some research and learned that there are lots of very popular (and lucrative) stories floating around out there about humans carrying on with Bigfoot. If I had known, maybe I should have written the story about the lady Bigfoot and her forest ranger boyfriend instead of a funny story about her teenage son and a high school girl.

The popularity of Bigfoot erotica shouldn’t come as a surprise. It’s the next logical step after romances between humans and vampires, werewolves, zombies, aliens, Greek gods, and who knows what else. Why not Bigfoot? Can’t a giant, hairy forest-dweller get a little love?

Pick up your copy of Bigfoot CSI and enjoy a little Bigfoot romance for yourself. No, it's not erotica--it's better because if you get caught reading the book at work or school or at your cousin's baptism, it won't be hideously embarrassing. It won't even cost anything because from Thursday, August 2 through Saturday, August 4 (Pacific Time), the ebook edition of Bigfoot CSI will be free on Amazon.com. Read it, love it, review it, and tell everyone you know!

Dead People!

Sometimes I worry about dead people. In horror movies, zombies are pretty creepy because of their single-minded focus and complete inability to be reasoned with. Individually they're not a huge threat, but in large numbers (and they always come in large numbers), they're a force to be reckoned with. Vampires as depicted by Hollywood aren't terribly scary. Sure they're merciless murder machines, but it's usually over quickly and they're still human enough to maybe be talked out of killing a victim. In fact, if movies and TV are to be believed, vampires are more interested in falling in love and spending ridiculous amounts of money on humans than slaughtering them.

Ghosts freak me out because I actually believe in them. I make a point of avoiding movies and TV shows about hauntings or general ghost activity because they might prevent me from ever sleeping again. I worry about someday buying a house that's haunted, then not knowing what to do to get rid of it. You've got to disclose that to a potential buyer, right? And they'd probably insist that you drop your asking price. Talk about scary.

Anyway, speaking of scary things, I've just released a new book. I started writing it years ago when my husband and I moved into a house located next door to an old cemetery. (Much as I worry about dead people, old cemeteries aren't scary – just cool.) On one of our many walks through the graveyard, we noticed a headstone that marked the grave of a woman who had been born 150 years ago. Oddly, it didn't have a date of death carved on it. She had to be dead, but why wasn't her year of death on the gravestone? It piqued my curiosity, and I started doing some research to figure out what had happened. Unfortunately, I knew nothing about genealogical research, so the whole thing was a learning experience.

This new book of mine, called Graveyard Kids, is the fictionalized account of my search to figure out what happened to the tombstone's owner. It's a fascinating story that I tell from the perspective of a seventh grade girl who's living at the cemetery because her father is the graveyard's caretaker. And I might have added a little vampire intrigue to keep the readers' interest. The book is available at Amazon in both hard copy and Kindle versions, and it's also available everywhere else as an ebook. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Happy reading!