Bigfoot Hunting Season

My Flashfire Series of Bigfoot novels are about how Bigfoot keep themselves under cover because interaction with humans never works out for any creatures. Why would Bigfoot step out of the forest, only to be captured, shot, and/or experimented on? No, this is a much more sensible creature. Yet despite evidence that Bigfoot just wants to be left alone, humans continue to bother the big guy.

Most recently, some state representative in Oklahoma who has more time on his hands than he knows what to do with decided to introduce a bill about establishing a Bigfoot hunting season. https://finance.yahoo.com/news/major-legislation-calls-bigfoot-hunting-225600225.html?soc_src=community&soc_trk=ma Great idea to encourage bored Oklahoma residents with shotguns to run around the woods and shoot at things that walk upright like humans. There’s no way that can go wrong.

This Oklahoma politician claims that his law wouldn’t encourage the slaughter of Bigfoot. He’s just supposed to be captured so the guys in camo can collect a “bounty” which will come from an as-yet-undetermined source.

My guess is that Bigfoot won’t come quietly and, regardless of the Oklahoma legislature’s plans, there will be blood. It might just come from a couple of over-eager and over-served hunters who shoot each other accidentally. Or if they do find Bigfoot, he might end up taking out some of his would-be captors before he’s killed. Then he goes from being mythical to extinct.

Bigfoot and Steve on the Loose!

When you write a novel about Bigfoot, but still have more of the story to tell, what do you do? Write a sequel, of course! That’s how the 2018 novel Bigfoot CSI led to last week’s release of Bigfoot and Steve. 

Like the first book in this Flashfire Series, Bigfoot and Steve is exciting, funny, tinged with young love, and full of Sasquatchy goodness. Best of all, it’s just in time for holiday gift-giving. Don’t think there’s anyone on your gift list who deserves this hilarious book? No problem. Get a copy for yourself. You deserve a cuddle-up-by-the-fire-in-your-new-Christmas-jammies book. Or, if you're lucky enough to live in Florida among the Skunk Apes (i.e. Florida Bigfoot), it’s a perfect beach read any time of year.

Bigfoot and Steve continues the story about sixteen-year-old Piper O’Connell as she continues to grow into her calling as a “scrub.” Her job is to track down and destroy the bodies of dead Bigfoot so the race won’t be discovered by human hunters. Everything she does must be kept secret from her family and friends, which causes conflicts when she tries to have a normal teenage life full of school, dating, and extracurricular activities. Even something as common as learning to drive is more challenging for a scrub whose mom was killed in a car accident three years ago while trying to destroy the body of a dead Bigfoot.

If you read Bigfoot CSI two years ago: Thank you! If you didn’t, there’s still time to pick up a copy on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, etc. in either paperback or ebook format. Then scoop up the brand-new sequel Bigfoot and Steve. It even answers the eternal question “How does Bigfoot celebrate the holidays?”

Enjoy! And happy holidays!

Pandemic Fairy Tales

Everything has been messed up by this stupid pandemic. School, work, entertainment, family gatherings, sports, you name it have all been cancelled or dramatically changed by Covid-19. Even the most popular stories of our past are different now. Check out the updated fairy tales that will be streaming soon on a TV near your living room: 

 CINDERELLA STAYS HOME: The prince can’t host a ball because social gatherings are forbidden, and no one could dance anyway due to social distancing.

 SNOW WHITE AND THE SIX DWARFS: Sneezy is quarantined by Doc’s orders. Snow is safe from the Queen because no one can tell “Who’s the fairest of them all” behind their masks.

 SLEEPING BEAUTY STAYS ASLEEP: The prince won’t kiss her because fatigue is a symptom of Covid-19.

 BEAUTY AND THE BEAST HAVE NO GUESTS: Tired of cooking three meals a day for Belle and Beast, Mrs. Potts downloads the GrubHub app.

 THE LITTLE MERMAID STAYS UNDER THE SEA: Safe in the ocean away from humans, Arielle refuses to grow legs.

 LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD DOESN’T VISIT GRANDMA: Because Grannie’s advanced age makes her vulnerable, Red just leaves a basket of snacks on the porch and skips away.

 

 Final thoughts: Remember that this virus nonsense will go away. We will not have to wear ugly masks for every important event of our lives forever. Soon we’ll be able to sit way too close to thousands of complete strangers at a hockey game again. We can wait in line for a restaurant table for upwards of two hours someday. Grandmas will open the door for their grandkids. Until then, be safe, my friends. And think about what a long, boring, completely unrelateable story this will be when you inflict it on your children/grandchildren/random kid next to you on the bus someday.

Hot Blooded or Maybe Cold?

Please take a break from hoarding toilet paper and touching your face to consider how this covid-19 pandemic might affect the cryptid community. Cryptids are those creatures that enlightened individuals know are real, while the so-called “scientific” community refuses to acknowledge their existence. Cryptids include popular characters like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and Mothman, as well as lesser-known creatures like the Jersey Devil and chupacabra. Even vampires, werewolves, and zombies are cryptids. There are thousands of people who claim to have seen one, but there’s no widely accepted scientific evidence that proves their existence.

What if cryptids have been living among us for years—hiding in plain sight? The guy next door tells you he’s a cop who works third shift, but what if the real reason he sleeps all day and goes out at night is that he’s a vampire? What if Bigfoot works for the National Park Service as a forest ranger and shaves himself once a year so he can go to town and get the newest iPhone? Werewolves can live perfectly normal lives 27 days out of the month, but then, on that last day, watch out! Everything was going fine for cryptids, until this virus. Now suddenly they have to worry about whether their body temperature is the same as a normal human’s.

Taking people’s temperature is becoming a popular way to identify those who are sick with the virus. A normal human body temperature is around 98.6 degrees F, and if it’s much higher than that, then the person has a fever. A fever is a possible symptom of the covid-19 virus. Recently Apple announced they’ll be taking the temperature of every person who wants to enter an Apple store and get help figuring out how to use their phone. Many workplaces around the world have adopted temperature checks at the beginning of the workday in order to make sure sick employees can’t infect others. The airlines have proposed checking passengers before boarding planes. It sounds like a good plan from a human’s point of view, but what if you’re a cryptid and your temperature is nowhere near 98.6?

Only Bigfoot’s doctor knows what his temperature is, and he can’t tell because that information is protected by the HIPAA privacy laws. However, we can make some assumptions. Bigfoot might be safe shaving himself and going to the Apple Store for a new iPhone if he’s biologically similar to a human or other large omnivorous mammal. For instance, a polar bear’s temperature is the same as a human’s. A gorilla’s is slightly lower at 96 degrees, so if Bigfoot is genetically similar to a gorilla, he should be fine because at least he doesn’t have a fever. However, if he’s more like a lion, then Bigfoot will have to switch to Android phones because Apple won’t let him in their store with a temperature of 101 F.

What about Mothman, you might be asking? Well, he probably can’t go to work or buy an iPhone since birds have body temperatures up around 105 F. Fortunately, he can fly on his own, so he doesn’t have to worry about getting on an airplane.

Cryptids like vampires and zombies have real problems because their bodies are room temperature. Try explaining to the kid at Apple’s Genius Bar why your body is 20 degrees below normal. He’s not going to buy your story. Not for nothing is he called a genius. Or what about a lizard man that’s cold blooded? He’d probably have to spend hours sun bathing on a rock before being allowed on a plane, but if he falls asleep and stays too long, then he’s in fever territory.

Next time you’re frustrated by the inconvenience of wearing a mask or not being to attend a concert with thousands of your closest friends, think of the hardships experienced by our cryptid friends. And stop touching your face.

Kansas

I moved to Kansas. The timing could have been better, but there was no way to know in January that in two short months, my husband and I would be locked down under mandatory stay-at-home orders in a new home hundreds of miles away from everyone we knew.

We moved to Kansas because my husband was transferred for work. I had been looking forward to a new adventure in a new state and, while I was reluctant to leave my job and friends in Georgia, we had enjoyed our time down south and expected to have a lots of fun exploring Kansas. Then covid-19 happened. Now I not only have no job and no friends, but I’m not supposed to leave the house to find any. One would think that I’d have lots of time for writing, but it’s been hard concentrating. I've heard that a lot of people are having the same problem during this pandemic crisis.

Okay, I’ll stop whining now. Here are some advantages of Kansas:

-          The population density is low and the state’s number of covid virus cases is equally low.

-          My friends back in Georgia and up in Illinois are all willing to do video chats with me now since they’re all stuck in their houses, too.

-          There have been Bigfoot sightings in Kansas, which means one of my future Bigfoot books can be located here.

-          There are also elk here, which means Piper can continue to ride elk to scrub the bodies of dead Bigfoot in my future books. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, read Bigfoot CSI to catch up.

-          The weather here is colder and windier than it was in Georgia, but it’s not as bad as Chicago.

-          The people here are SO nice!

-          You can see forever across these wide-open plains.

            There are lots of new sights to explore, like Dodge City and the Flint Hills. We’ve already checked out Mushroom Rock, which was awesome! Can you tell why it’s called Mushroom Rock?

Well, back to work. Book 2 in the Bigfoot Flashfire Series won’t edit itself. Stay safe out there! Stop touching your face.

THIS BITES

Today we’re trying something new. We have a guest blogger! From what I understand that means someone else gets to write while I relax and sip lemonade by the pool. Meanwhile, I get credit for posting a blog, even though I didn’t do any of the work. It seems like a sweet deal. So, allow me to introduce Tweedy Britches. He’s the author of a new book that teaches readers how to defend themselves against monsters. Practical advice from an, er, interesting young man. Take it away, Tweedy!

You know that feeling when you’re walking down a deserted cemetery path at midnight on Halloween during a full moon? It’s a feeling that says you just made a huge mistake when you chose to go for a stroll alone and completely unarmed—except for the giant bag of candy collected while trick-or-treating earlier in the evening. Yes, of course, everyone knows that feeling. We’ve all been in that position. Unfortunately, most of us never lived to tell the tale. Why? Monsters, of course.

 

Yes, that’s right. Monsters. Werewolves, vampires, zombies, and evil witches. The so-called experts, including your parents, doctors, priests, teachers, and even the President or Prime Minister of whatever country you live in, will insist that monsters don’t exist. But they’re wrong. They’re just trying to calm you down because the herds of monsters out there freak them out, too. Plus, if you don’t believe in monsters, you’ll let your guard down and the monsters will get you first, thus giving them time to run away and hide.

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Tweedy Britches, the author of the new book THIS BITES: A FIELD GUIDE TO MONSTER DEFENSE. The fool wandering through a cemetery on Halloween in the paragraph above was me. Back then, I didn’t have a clue about monsters, until that night when a pack of werewolves nearly ended me. And, possibly worse, nearly got my bag of Halloween candy. Since that night, I’ve studied monsters—all types of monsters—and learned how to avoid them, escape from them, defeat them, and, in a worst-case scenario, what to do if you’re turned into a monster.

This Bites was published last month by Kissing Frog Books, LLC, and already it’s helped keep many people—kids and adults and teenagers who are technically kids but who think they’re adults because they can drive and have jobs—safe from attacks by dangerous, evil, and often stinky monsters. Although I’m young, I’ve already spent years learning about monsters, and This Bites compiles that research into one book that you can secret upon your person and have available at all times. One never knows when the teenager taking your order in the hamburger drive-thru on a full moon night will transform into a hungry werewolf, climb through your car window, and try to snack on your left arm. Or when a vampire on the bus looks at you like you’re a blood-filled juice box. And zombies? They can emerge from anywhere at any time—often in large, foul-smelling numbers—and attack without warning. What should you do? If you had a copy of This Bites, you’d know exactly what to do. Without this book? Well, let’s not think about that, shall we?

This Bites doesn’t just give you practical advice about keeping yourself safe from monsters. It also allows you to test your knowledge with quizzes and improve your skills with activities. You’ll learn how to make a weapon to use against vampires and how to identify vampires next time you visit an amusement park. Although, full disclosure, the book tells you never to visit an amusement park. Or anywhere else, for that matter. You shouldn’t ever leave your house since monsters are everywhere. They might be in your house, too, but space limitations inside your bedroom limit the number of creepy creatures that can be in there. Be safe; stay inside.

Well, it’s been fun guest blogging today. I don’t get a chance to meet many new people since I take my own advice and avoid going outside. I also don’t like answering the door or opening the mail or picking up the phone since monsters can be anywhere. But blogging seems fairly safe since I can do it while locked in my closet with a blanket over my head.

I’d like to leave you with these inspirational parting words that I share with everyone. They’re words that can never be repeated often enough in this world we live in: LOOK BEHIND YOU!

Regards, Tweedy Britches

Well, I hope you enjoyed this guest blog from Tweedy Britches. I certainly enjoyed my time in the pool. Hopefully Tweedy didn’t frighten any of you too badly. He can be an intense young man for sure. But, as you’ll notice, he hasn’t been eaten by any monsters lately, so it seems to be working for him. Be safe out there! Now it’s time to get more lemonade.

Kim