Today we’re trying something new. We have a guest blogger! From what I understand that means someone else gets to write while I relax and sip lemonade by the pool. Meanwhile, I get credit for posting a blog, even though I didn’t do any of the work. It seems like a sweet deal. So, allow me to introduce Tweedy Britches. He’s the author of a new book that teaches readers how to defend themselves against monsters. Practical advice from an, er, interesting young man. Take it away, Tweedy!
You know that feeling when you’re walking down a deserted cemetery path at midnight on Halloween during a full moon? It’s a feeling that says you just made a huge mistake when you chose to go for a stroll alone and completely unarmed—except for the giant bag of candy collected while trick-or-treating earlier in the evening. Yes, of course, everyone knows that feeling. We’ve all been in that position. Unfortunately, most of us never lived to tell the tale. Why? Monsters, of course.
Yes, that’s right. Monsters. Werewolves, vampires, zombies, and evil witches. The so-called experts, including your parents, doctors, priests, teachers, and even the President or Prime Minister of whatever country you live in, will insist that monsters don’t exist. But they’re wrong. They’re just trying to calm you down because the herds of monsters out there freak them out, too. Plus, if you don’t believe in monsters, you’ll let your guard down and the monsters will get you first, thus giving them time to run away and hide.
Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Tweedy Britches, the author of the new book THIS BITES: A FIELD GUIDE TO MONSTER DEFENSE. The fool wandering through a cemetery on Halloween in the paragraph above was me. Back then, I didn’t have a clue about monsters, until that night when a pack of werewolves nearly ended me. And, possibly worse, nearly got my bag of Halloween candy. Since that night, I’ve studied monsters—all types of monsters—and learned how to avoid them, escape from them, defeat them, and, in a worst-case scenario, what to do if you’re turned into a monster.
This Bites was published last month by Kissing Frog Books, LLC, and already it’s helped keep many people—kids and adults and teenagers who are technically kids but who think they’re adults because they can drive and have jobs—safe from attacks by dangerous, evil, and often stinky monsters. Although I’m young, I’ve already spent years learning about monsters, and This Bites compiles that research into one book that you can secret upon your person and have available at all times. One never knows when the teenager taking your order in the hamburger drive-thru on a full moon night will transform into a hungry werewolf, climb through your car window, and try to snack on your left arm. Or when a vampire on the bus looks at you like you’re a blood-filled juice box. And zombies? They can emerge from anywhere at any time—often in large, foul-smelling numbers—and attack without warning. What should you do? If you had a copy of This Bites, you’d know exactly what to do. Without this book? Well, let’s not think about that, shall we?
This Bites doesn’t just give you practical advice about keeping yourself safe from monsters. It also allows you to test your knowledge with quizzes and improve your skills with activities. You’ll learn how to make a weapon to use against vampires and how to identify vampires next time you visit an amusement park. Although, full disclosure, the book tells you never to visit an amusement park. Or anywhere else, for that matter. You shouldn’t ever leave your house since monsters are everywhere. They might be in your house, too, but space limitations inside your bedroom limit the number of creepy creatures that can be in there. Be safe; stay inside.
Well, it’s been fun guest blogging today. I don’t get a chance to meet many new people since I take my own advice and avoid going outside. I also don’t like answering the door or opening the mail or picking up the phone since monsters can be anywhere. But blogging seems fairly safe since I can do it while locked in my closet with a blanket over my head.
I’d like to leave you with these inspirational parting words that I share with everyone. They’re words that can never be repeated often enough in this world we live in: LOOK BEHIND YOU!
Regards, Tweedy Britches
Well, I hope you enjoyed this guest blog from Tweedy Britches. I certainly enjoyed my time in the pool. Hopefully Tweedy didn’t frighten any of you too badly. He can be an intense young man for sure. But, as you’ll notice, he hasn’t been eaten by any monsters lately, so it seems to be working for him. Be safe out there! Now it’s time to get more lemonade.