Bigfoot Erotica

The “Rise” of Bigfoot Erotica

Sometimes you wake up in the morning and discover that half the people you know have sent you messages about Bigfoot erotica. When it happens, you know it’s going to be that kind of day. 

This morning I woke to learn that Bigfoot erotica has become “the next big thing” (ewah) and it’s all over the news. Turns out, some guy named Denver Riggleman is running for Congress, and his Democratic opponent has accused him of being an aficionado of Bigfoot erotica. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, as they say. But apparently there is something wrong with that in the minds of some voters if you’re running for Congress. Which is strange, because Bigfoot porn is the least harmful thing politicians have done in recent memory.

My novel Bigfoot CSI is a funny YA story that does have a romantic subplot between a 16-year-old girl and—wait for it—a Bigfoot! Not erotica (it’s appropriate for teens), but there is romantic physical contact between the pair. Full disclosure: The Bigfoot in question is a hybrid—his mother is a wild animal living in the forest; his dad is a forest ranger.

The story about would-be Congressman Riggleman got me curious, so I did some research and learned that there are lots of very popular (and lucrative) stories floating around out there about humans carrying on with Bigfoot. If I had known, maybe I should have written the story about the lady Bigfoot and her forest ranger boyfriend instead of a funny story about her teenage son and a high school girl.

The popularity of Bigfoot erotica shouldn’t come as a surprise. It’s the next logical step after romances between humans and vampires, werewolves, zombies, aliens, Greek gods, and who knows what else. Why not Bigfoot? Can’t a giant, hairy forest-dweller get a little love?

Pick up your copy of Bigfoot CSI and enjoy a little Bigfoot romance for yourself. No, it's not erotica--it's better because if you get caught reading the book at work or school or at your cousin's baptism, it won't be hideously embarrassing. It won't even cost anything because from Thursday, August 2 through Saturday, August 4 (Pacific Time), the ebook edition of Bigfoot CSI will be free on Amazon.com. Read it, love it, review it, and tell everyone you know!

Government Work

The TV show Ghosted is fantastic! Every time I watch it, I can count on at least one good laugh. It’s not just about ghosts, either. It’s kind of a Men in Black or Agents of SHIELD or X-Files kind of situation where there are lots strange creatures that the guys in a secret supernatural government office have to hunt down and keep under control. 

While the show itself is a blast, the show’s premise is worrisome. In another life, I worked in a little-known and exceedingly dull corner of the federal government. As a former employee of the massive, lumbering bureaucratic labyrinth that is the U.S. government, I know we shouldn’t put something important like managing ghosts, demons, and other assorted unexplained phenomena in the shaky hands of public servants. What if they mess it up? What if they trap ghosts, then accidentally release them, like that dope in the first Ghostbusters movie? What if they put aside their important work so they can take extra long lunches on Fridays (or Mondays of Thursdays)? What if their training is less than outstanding, as it was in my case?

When I was first hired to shuffle papers in a gray-walled pile of bricks on Chicago’s near north side, we had to go through an unnecessarily long training process. As if that would somehow help make us efficient at our jobs or something. There was one particular woman who was responsible for training a large class of new hires over the course of three months. Much of what she did was spend an inordinate amount of time explaining how to route pieces of paper from one corner of our organization to another. The only thing more painfully boring than teaching it was listening to her teach it.

The boredom was only broken up by occasional moments of fingernails-on-the-blackboard irritation because this trainer always said the word “viva” when she meant “via.” Always. And she insisted on using “viva” in every third sentence that came out of her mouth. She’d say something like, “This sheet of white paper is supposed to go to the Accounting Department, but it has to get there viva the supervisor’s office.” She meant via, of course, because she was saying the boring white paper gets to accounting by way of the supervisor.

Every single time she said it, the guy sitting next to me would start singing Elvis’s classic hit Viva Las Vegas under his breath. Every. Single. Time. In retrospect, I don’t know which was more annoying: The trainer who didn’t understand that different words had different meanings or the guy next to me with his Elvis impression. Oh, wait, yes I do know. It was definitely the trainer because a) she was getting paid more to be a cretin without language skills and b) if she knew the proper word, the guy next to me wouldn’t have had any excuse to sing.

Anyway, the point is these are the kinds of people who work for the federal government. Do you want them in charge of keeping you safe from things that go bump in the night? Can they be trusted to run Area 51? Would they even know how to find Area 51 without going viva the accounting manager’s desk? In other words, if the idea behind shows like Ghosted is to be believed, you’d better make friends with the creatures under your bed, because the government might not be able to protect you.