Please take a break from hoarding toilet paper and touching
your face to consider how this covid-19 pandemic might affect the cryptid
community. Cryptids are those creatures that enlightened individuals know are
real, while the so-called “scientific” community refuses to acknowledge their
existence. Cryptids include popular characters like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness
Monster, and Mothman, as well as lesser-known creatures like the Jersey Devil
and chupacabra. Even vampires, werewolves, and zombies are cryptids. There are
thousands of people who claim to have seen one, but there’s no widely accepted
scientific evidence that proves their existence.
What if cryptids have been living among us for years—hiding
in plain sight? The guy next door tells you he’s a cop who works
third shift, but what if the real reason he sleeps all day and goes out at
night is that he’s a vampire? What if Bigfoot works for the National Park
Service as a forest ranger and shaves himself once a year so he can go to town
and get the newest iPhone? Werewolves can live perfectly normal lives 27 days
out of the month, but then, on that last day, watch out! Everything was going fine
for cryptids, until this virus. Now suddenly they have to worry about whether
their body temperature is the same as a normal human’s.
Taking people’s temperature is becoming a popular way to
identify those who are sick with the virus. A normal human body temperature is
around 98.6 degrees F, and if it’s much higher than that, then the person has a
fever. A fever is a possible symptom of the covid-19 virus. Recently Apple
announced they’ll be taking the temperature of every person who wants to enter
an Apple store and get help figuring out how to use their phone. Many
workplaces around the world have adopted temperature checks at the beginning of
the workday in order to make sure sick employees can’t infect others. The
airlines have proposed checking passengers before boarding planes. It sounds
like a good plan from a human’s point of view, but what if you’re a cryptid and
your temperature is nowhere near 98.6?
Only Bigfoot’s doctor knows what his temperature is, and he
can’t tell because that information is protected by the HIPAA privacy laws.
However, we can make some assumptions. Bigfoot might be safe shaving himself
and going to the Apple Store for a new iPhone if he’s biologically similar to a
human or other large omnivorous mammal. For instance, a polar bear’s
temperature is the same as a human’s. A gorilla’s is slightly lower at 96
degrees, so if Bigfoot is genetically similar to a gorilla, he should be fine
because at least he doesn’t have a fever. However, if he’s more like a lion,
then Bigfoot will have to switch to Android phones because Apple won’t let him
in their store with a temperature of 101 F.
What about Mothman, you might be asking? Well, he probably
can’t go to work or buy an iPhone since birds have body temperatures up around
105 F. Fortunately, he can fly on his own, so he doesn’t have to worry about
getting on an airplane.
Cryptids like vampires and zombies have real problems
because their bodies are room temperature. Try explaining to the kid at Apple’s
Genius Bar why your body is 20 degrees below normal. He’s not going to buy your
story. Not for nothing is he called a genius. Or what about a lizard man that’s
cold blooded? He’d probably have to spend hours sun bathing on a rock before
being allowed on a plane, but if he falls asleep and stays too long, then he’s in
fever territory.
Next time you’re frustrated by the inconvenience of wearing
a mask or not being to attend a concert with thousands of your closest friends,
think of the hardships experienced by our cryptid friends. And stop touching
your face.
