Friday, June 8, 2012

Bigfoot: Coming to a neighborhood near you!

A family of Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) is living in my town. At least that's what my local newspaper says. It ran a story yesterday that said someone had been out walking his dog in a forest preserve when he saw two huge, brown furry creatures disappear into the woods. These creatures were 8 to 10 feet tall, smelled rank, and one of them screamed. Best of all, the Bigfeet threw rocks at the guy and his dog. So they're big, stinky, and aggressive. The person reporting the incident described himself as a skeptic when it came to Bigfoot, so it wasn't like he had been out in the woods hoping to see a mythical creature.
How cool is that? Bigfoot – even better – a family of Bigfeet living down the block from me? And even if the story is false, then maybe I've got a prankster or drunk or delusional crackpot living down the block from me who's lurking in the woods at night. Either way, I win. And my property value should start to climb any day now.
I learned in the newspaper story that there are way more Bigfoot sightings every year than I would have ever imagined. They're not all in the Northwest, either. They're spread around the United States, including here in Illinois where I live. Some people report their Bigfoot sightings to the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization where data on these incidents is collected. That's how the newspaper found out about the sighting near my house; the witness had reported it anonymously at the organization's website.
Stan Courtney, a Bigfoot researcher from Illinois, said Bigfeet like heavily wooded areas. They're also fond of bike paths and railroad tracks for walking. After all, who wants to blaze a trail through the brush if you don't have to? At Courtney's website he also noted the tendency of Bigfoot creatures to leave gifts. Of course, Bigfoot's idea of a gift (a skunk tail or rocks) might not be the same as most humans', but it's the thought that counts.
As much as I want to believe that legends like Bigfoot are for real, I have one big objection to them: Where are the bodies? If Bigfoots are wandering across the country, then somebody must have found a body by now. Unless they're immortal, which seems unlikely since nothing they seem related to (humans, monkeys) is immortal. Or maybe the TV show Grimm had it right in their Bigfoot episode. The creatures are actually humans that transform like werewolves, but they revert to human form when they die. But that seems strange, too, because we don't know of any other animals that do that.
The newspaper interviewed our county's forest preserve director to see if his office knew anything about Bigfoot sightings. He said no, although there's somebody in the office who fantasizes about dressing up in a Bigfoot costume. Yick. That's a subject for a whole different kind of blog. He also said that the person who spotted the Bigfeet was breaking the law by being in a forest preserve after dark. Really? Leave it to a bureaucrat to suck all the wonder out of life.
So am I living next door to a family of Sasquatch? Maybe. Which means I've got to be alert to things like skunk tails left on my property, rocks being thrown in my direction, and horrible stenches. Of course, those things would have gotten my attention before. Only now I know their true source. Cue Twilight Zone music.

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