Escape from LinkedIn

I need to get off the grid. Totally, completely unplugged from all electronics and modern technology. That's the only way to make LinkedIn leave me alone. Of course, I'm just speculating here. It's entirely possible that even if I'm living in a cave in a godforsaken wilderness, catching fish with my bare hands and fighting off grizzly bears that want to steal my hand-caught fish, LinkedIn might still find me. They'll drop little parachutes over me with messages tied to them, like the soon-to-be slaughtered tributes get in The Hunger Games. The LinkedIn parachutes will say, "A person who you once bought a used dishwasher from wants to connect with you on LinkedIn. They endorse you for 'Cleanliness.' Would you like to Accept?"

And if I ignore the request, as everyone in the real world does, then LinkedIn will keep sending requests. More and more little parachutes will drop onto my primitive campsite, starting the trees ablaze when they land near my campfire, attracting more grizzlies, scaring away the fish. And just like in the real world, there won't be any way to stop them. If I wad the stupid things up and throw them back at the sky, a new parachute will appear that says, "We're sorry, but your recent update to this support ticket came from an email address that's not the primary email address associated with your account." And of course, I'll need my log in information to use the Help Center to update my email address. Which I don't have because I'm living in a cave in the woods in order to escape LinkedIn.

I joined LinkedIn a couple years ago because they had started sending me messages to get me to "connect" with some friend-of-a-friend who was already a member. I didn't want to join, but I couldn't find any way to stop the messages from the outside, so I thought I'd and gain access and bring them down from the inside. No such luck. The "connect" messages continued, but now they were coming in greater numbers. Now, people who I was peripherally associated with were "endorsing" me for skills and apparently expecting me to endorse them in return.

I tried ignoring the requests, but LinkedIn keeps sending them. They're relentless. So I tried just saying "Yes, connect with this random person for God's sake!" but then I'd have to log in every time. Which begins the nightmare of digging through a drawer looking for current login passwords. All so I can make an email go away.

Last month I got so disgusted, I made a serious effort to make it stop. I tried to cancel my account and I found a link that would put me on a blocked email list. It seemed to work for a little while, until just recently when I started getting their emails again. Only this time, my login information doesn't work, probably because I might have cancelled the account. So I can't accept "connect" requests because I can't log in. And when I request help, they send me a link to their help center which requires a login.

I've tried multiple times to send them emails to make their communications stop, but every time I get the same response about how my email came from an email address that's not the primary email address on my account. First of all, I shouldn't have an account anymore because I can't log into it. But also, I swear I've sent them cancel requests from every single email address I've ever owned in my life, but still I get this same message. I think it's all just a huge trick being played on the American public. There's actually no way to unsubscribe. We're all supposed to keep receiving this nonsense until every man, woman, and child on the planet is "connected" and "endorsing" one another. Then LinkedIn will own the world.

In my efforts to unsubscribe, I've tried being nice, I've tried being polite, but after too many futile attempts, my most recent communication to LinkedIn went like this:

IS THIS A JOKE? I CAN'T LOG IN TO GET YOUR STUPID INFORMATION TO MAKE THE UNWANTED EMAILS TO STOP. I TOLD YOU THAT BEFORE!!! I CAN'T LOG IN AND I DON'T WANT TO LOG IN, BUT YOU SENT ME A LINK THAT MAKES ME LOG IN!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT??? JUST TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIST AND STOP SENDING ME SPAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN I BE MORE CLEAR?

If that friendly missive doesn't work, the only way to escape is to go totally off the grid and hope LinkedIn can't find me. And I mean totally off the grid: using pinecones as toilet paper, skinning deer with tree bark, growing a Duck Dynasty beard even though I'm a woman.

I haven't received a reply yet from my latest email, but when I do it will no doubt say something like, "Some woman you vaguely knew in high school in the 1980s wants to connect with you. She endorses you for 'writing up chemistry lab reports' and 'wearing leg warmers.' Log in to accept." But I won't be able to read it because I'll be crouched in a forest someplace, brushing my teeth with a rock.