Now, please don't think that I'm just some liberal who hates Republicans. I'm plenty sick of people named Clinton running for office, too.So in the interest of patriotism, I'm prepared to lend a hand to a country that's obviously out of ideas for acceptable presidential candidates. My cat Elliott would make a great president. Our campaign slogan is Elliott 2016: He likes tuna.
|Elliott works hard to keep American yards free of moles.|
Elliott is fully qualified for this job. The U.S. Constitution says presidents must be natural-born citizens, which Elliott must be since I found him in Illinois. There's no reason a stray cat would walk to Illinois from Mexico or Canada – and definitely not Kenya – so he must be American. Elliott is six years old, which is 42 in human years, meaning he's over the minimum age of 35 that the Constitution mandates. The Constitution doesn't say that presidents must be human. He's also non-partisan, which means he can bridge the gap between Republicans and Democrats.Here are just a few more reasons why Elliott would be an excellent president:
Like 26th President Teddy Roosevelt, he's a skilled hunter. But instead of slaughtering majestic, rare creatures for sport, he eliminates disease-carrying, garden-destroying pests like mice and moles.
|Future First Lady Rue|
Like 24th President Grover Cleveland, he's unmarried, so his sister will act as First Lady. And like President Cleveland's sister Rose, Elliott's sister Rue is feral and lives primarily outside. That means she'll host all official events in the White House Rose Garden.
Unlike all recent presidents, Elliott won't take semi-weekly vacations to Hawaii or Martha's Vineyard or a Texas ranch that the American public foots the bill for. Think of the savings on jet fuel for Air Force One alone.
Unlike 42nd President Bill Clinton, Elliott's been neutered, which means no embarrassing incidents with interns in the Oval Office.As an added bonus, Elliott is not a lap cat, which means he won't get hair all over German Chancellor Angela Merkel's austere lady-suits when she visits the White House.
And perhaps most important, unlike Jeb Bush, Elliott the Cat is unaffiliated with the likes of Dick Cheney or Karl Rove.