THIS BITES

Today we’re trying something new. We have a guest blogger! From what I understand that means someone else gets to write while I relax and sip lemonade by the pool. Meanwhile, I get credit for posting a blog, even though I didn’t do any of the work. It seems like a sweet deal. So, allow me to introduce Tweedy Britches. He’s the author of a new book that teaches readers how to defend themselves against monsters. Practical advice from an, er, interesting young man. Take it away, Tweedy!

You know that feeling when you’re walking down a deserted cemetery path at midnight on Halloween during a full moon? It’s a feeling that says you just made a huge mistake when you chose to go for a stroll alone and completely unarmed—except for the giant bag of candy collected while trick-or-treating earlier in the evening. Yes, of course, everyone knows that feeling. We’ve all been in that position. Unfortunately, most of us never lived to tell the tale. Why? Monsters, of course.

 

Yes, that’s right. Monsters. Werewolves, vampires, zombies, and evil witches. The so-called experts, including your parents, doctors, priests, teachers, and even the President or Prime Minister of whatever country you live in, will insist that monsters don’t exist. But they’re wrong. They’re just trying to calm you down because the herds of monsters out there freak them out, too. Plus, if you don’t believe in monsters, you’ll let your guard down and the monsters will get you first, thus giving them time to run away and hide.

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Tweedy Britches, the author of the new book THIS BITES: A FIELD GUIDE TO MONSTER DEFENSE. The fool wandering through a cemetery on Halloween in the paragraph above was me. Back then, I didn’t have a clue about monsters, until that night when a pack of werewolves nearly ended me. And, possibly worse, nearly got my bag of Halloween candy. Since that night, I’ve studied monsters—all types of monsters—and learned how to avoid them, escape from them, defeat them, and, in a worst-case scenario, what to do if you’re turned into a monster.

This Bites was published last month by Kissing Frog Books, LLC, and already it’s helped keep many people—kids and adults and teenagers who are technically kids but who think they’re adults because they can drive and have jobs—safe from attacks by dangerous, evil, and often stinky monsters. Although I’m young, I’ve already spent years learning about monsters, and This Bites compiles that research into one book that you can secret upon your person and have available at all times. One never knows when the teenager taking your order in the hamburger drive-thru on a full moon night will transform into a hungry werewolf, climb through your car window, and try to snack on your left arm. Or when a vampire on the bus looks at you like you’re a blood-filled juice box. And zombies? They can emerge from anywhere at any time—often in large, foul-smelling numbers—and attack without warning. What should you do? If you had a copy of This Bites, you’d know exactly what to do. Without this book? Well, let’s not think about that, shall we?

This Bites doesn’t just give you practical advice about keeping yourself safe from monsters. It also allows you to test your knowledge with quizzes and improve your skills with activities. You’ll learn how to make a weapon to use against vampires and how to identify vampires next time you visit an amusement park. Although, full disclosure, the book tells you never to visit an amusement park. Or anywhere else, for that matter. You shouldn’t ever leave your house since monsters are everywhere. They might be in your house, too, but space limitations inside your bedroom limit the number of creepy creatures that can be in there. Be safe; stay inside.

Well, it’s been fun guest blogging today. I don’t get a chance to meet many new people since I take my own advice and avoid going outside. I also don’t like answering the door or opening the mail or picking up the phone since monsters can be anywhere. But blogging seems fairly safe since I can do it while locked in my closet with a blanket over my head.

I’d like to leave you with these inspirational parting words that I share with everyone. They’re words that can never be repeated often enough in this world we live in: LOOK BEHIND YOU!

Regards, Tweedy Britches

Well, I hope you enjoyed this guest blog from Tweedy Britches. I certainly enjoyed my time in the pool. Hopefully Tweedy didn’t frighten any of you too badly. He can be an intense young man for sure. But, as you’ll notice, he hasn’t been eaten by any monsters lately, so it seems to be working for him. Be safe out there! Now it’s time to get more lemonade.

Kim

BIGFOOT, BEARS, AND BRANCHES

It’s shocking what can be living in your own neck of the woods without you even being aware of it. I’m not talking about weird neighbors who everyone suspects are mobsters in the witness protection program because they wear track suits with lots of gold jewelry and their names are clearly fake. No one believes that an overweight, middle-aged man who slicks back his hair is actually named Chip. No, I’m talking about creatures that are far more interesting and whose wives wear far less eye makeup.

Before I wrote my novel BIGFOOT CSI last year, I had no idea that there had been Bigfoot sightings anywhere near my house in suburban Atlanta. Aren’t Bigfoot all in the Pacific Northwest? Apparently not. A little research revealed that there had been Bigfoot spotted in my county, just a few miles from my house. And not just one Bigfoot report, either. Multiple reports, including on one occasion when there had been a pair of them together. 

Knowing that Bigfoot might be roving the countryside is exciting enough, but there was also a report of a dead sea serpent-type creature found in the State of Georgia last year. The report came from a guy who had been walking along the coast where the Altamaha River spills into the Atlantic Ocean. He snapped a couple photos of the body, then left the area (duh!). When he returned--presumably to collect the creature and sell it to the highest bidder for a zillion dollars--the body was gone. Bummer. It’s that easy for a zillion dollars to get washed out to sea at high tide.

Maybe it’s hard for people to accept that a seven-foot-tall hominid covered in hair could remain hidden just fifty miles from downtown Atlanta. Maybe you don’t believe in sea serpents swimming through rivers in one of the original 13 American colonies. If that’s the case, then in the words of Darth Vader, "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Whether you’re a believer in cryptids or not, how do you feel about bears? I thought that the biggest four-footed beast in the woods around my house was my neighbor’s golden retriever, but according to a recent article in the local Newnan Times-Herald newspaper, we’ve got black bears in the area. Apparently they come out in the spring after they wake up from their winter naps, and they start looking for food to help them bulk up after long months of fasting in their dens.

There are more than 4000 black bears in the State of Georgia, and multiple reports of the animals have come from areas within a 30-minute drive of my house. It never occurred to me that I might spot a bear in my little Atlanta suburb, but apparently it’s happened to other people. The body of one poor young bear was even found on a county road last spring, the apparent victim of a hit-and-run. Bears are notoriously lax when it comes to looking both ways before crossing the street.

So wherever you live, remember that unexpected creatures can be anywhere. Next time you’re taking a hike in the woods or along the seashore or just down the block, be extra vigilant. Any furtive motion or dark shadow or unexplained noise might only be a branch waving in the wind, or it might be something far more exciting. It could be Bigfoot or a sea serpent or maybe a bear. And if it is any of those things, please send me an email. A photo, too, if you’ve got a camera handy. Just don’t take pictures of your freaky witness protection neighbor loading a dead body into his trunk. Or if you do photograph him, and he catches you, please don’t mention my name. I ain’t seen nuthin’.