Bigfoot Diet

In the days leading up to yesterday’s Super Bowl, the news was filled with stories about how the New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is older than the Grand Canyon, yet he’s still in top shape. How does he do it? 

Is it clean living? Unlikely since most multi-millionaires married to supermodels aren’t known for moderation. 

Could he have had himself cloned ten years ago, and the clone is still young enough to play football? Maybe, but if there were two Tom Bradys, then they’d just fight over which of them gets to wear all the Super Bowl rings. 

Could Patriots coach Bill Belichick be a necromancer who employs the Dark Arts to keep his quarterback healthy? Experts agree that Belichick is probably a necromancer, but he uses most of his power to keep up the illusion that he’s not Darth Sidious from Star Wars.

No, the explanation that has been offered for how Tom Brady has maintained his skills as a top quarterback at the ripe old age of 40 is his diet. He doesn’t eat anything that tastes good—like sugar or bread or dairy—and instead focuses on vegetables and lean protein. He won’t even eat tomatoes for some inexplicable reason.

The whole thing seems like no fun at all, and I figured there had to be a better way to maintain a healthy body. So I looked to the forest for an answer. That’s when I discovered the Bigfoot Diet.

No one has ever reported seeing a sick or old Bigfoot, despite thousands of sightings every year. He runs as fast as lightning, and he’s as strong as a bear. That means whatever Bigfoot is eating must be giving him super strength and longevity. Let’s consider what Bigfoot eats. Based on the sightings, he mostly steals food from people camping in the woods. What do people bring on camping trips? Hot dogs, granola bars, canned baked beans, potato chips, and the makings for s’mores. That’s the backwoods version of a balanced diet.

What this means is that if we want to live long, healthy lives with superhuman strength, we can either eat like Tom Brady, or we can stop punishing our taste buds and adopt the Bigfoot Diet. If sugar, preservatives, and salty, canned vegetables are good enough for Bigfoot, then they’re good enough for me, too.