Dating!

Today's daily fret is about dating. It's hard and potentially very, very scary. What if you finally work up the courage to ask someone out, only to receive a look of barely concealed disgust accompanied by a firm "No"? Or worse, what if you get a date with someone, only to discover halfway through the night that the other person is a psycho? Hint: If your date requests a piece of your hair during the date, he/she is a psycho. And worst of all, what if you get a date and it works out and you eventually have to meet your new love's family? Oh, the horror!

So it's clear that single people can use a little help with the terrors of dating. My new book I SAW YOUR FUTURE AND HE'S NOT IT that I co-wrote with my aunt Louise Helene, has lots of good advice for women trying to find Mr. Right. And we just found out that the UK website for singles Smarter Dating has posted an article about our book. Click the link to check it out!

Doorbells!

Author Dorothy Parker used to say, "What fresh hell can this be?" whenever her doorbell rang. She was right that no good can come of the doorbell. If you're expecting someone you want to see, you're probably looking out for them and open the door before they ring. That's why the bell always throws me into a panic. Here are the options for who it could be:

1.     Psycho killer. We've all seen the movies where a contract killer or other lunatic is looking to kill someone in the neighborhood, so he needs a safe, comfy hideout while waiting for the opportunity. That comfy hideout is your house. When you open the door, you get plugged so he can watch for the guy next door who's in Witness Protection or whatever. Why would anyone invite this kind of unpleasantness into their home?

2.     Religious zealot. This deviant is trying to earn a place in heaven by inflicting his irrational beliefs on you. No, thanks.

3.     Politician or politician's deluded acolyte. He wants your vote so he can spend the coming decades earning a high salary and rewarding his supporters with your tax money. Get off my porch before I release the dogs.

4.     Girl Scout. Selling diabetes for $4 a box, and you feel like a jerk if you say no. Shouldn't that kid be in school?

5.     Neighbor. Wants to suck you into his nonsense, perhaps by hosting a Neighborhood Watch meeting or taking care of his dog while he's on vacation. Sorry, I'll be out of town that day/week/year/decade.

Wikipedia!

Wikipedia is omnipotent. It knows all and provides that knowledge to the world within seconds of it happening. Yes, it's cool, but also more than a little unsettling. Here's what convinced me: Mere moments ago, the convicted Illinois wife killer Drew Peterson was sentenced to 38 years in prison. His Wikipedia page is already updated. Wow!

Aliens on the Space Station!

Aliens! I just heard a story on the news that our scientists lost contact with the International Space Station for about 3 hours today. Communications are back online now, but does anyone else see this as the beginning of an Alien-esque horror movie? What if the communications were disrupted while aliens took over the station and replaced all of its personnel with alien clones? Does anyone else see this disruption coming within days of a Russian asteroid as more than a coincidence? Sure, it sounds far-fetched, but a couple weeks ago we would have thought a story about power loss on a cruise ship resulting in poop running down the walls would have sounded far-fetched, too.

I'm not saying we're in imminent danger of being overtaken by evil alien overlords. But I'm not saying we're safe from them either. Keep your eyes on the skies.

Bugs! Or maybe Cousins!

Parasitic Bugs! Or maybe this one should be called Cousins! Because I'm only freaked out about bugs due to my cousin filling my head with worries about them.

I've never given any thought to either bedbugs or lice, until my cousin Annmarie got involved. It started out when we went to a writing conference together. I booked a room at the conference hotel and thought everything was fine until Annmarie calls me to say that she had done some checking and found some complaints on the internet about bedbugs at this particular hotel. I tried to talk her down by saying that every hotel on the planet probably has internet complaints about it. That's what the internet's for.

I tried to sound sensible about the bugs, but when I got into my room, I immediately did those spot-checks you're supposed to do where you look between the mattress and box spring for bedbugs. I also kept my suitcase off the floor on one of those luggage racks. And before I went home, I put all my dirty clothes in a plastic bag and immediately dumped them into the washing machine when I got back.

Then yesterday I went to the movies, and another of my cousin's obsessions took hold of me. She'd said that she knew someone who thinks they got lice at the movie theater from leaning back against the seat. What?!? How is that possible? And what can you do about it besides either shaving your head or locking yourself up in your house and never going out?

How did I handle this situation? By going to the first show of the day in that theater. My thinking was that the last person had sat in that seat at least 12 hours earlier, which is long enough for lice to die. Then I made the mistake of mentioning this to my friend who was at the movies with me. And she told me that lice can live longer than 12 hours on surfaces. She'd know, too, because she's a teacher. I spent the entire movie feeling itchy.

Now I don't know which is more frightening: Parasitic bugs clinging to me or my cousin's name on the caller I.D.

Cruises!

What we're worrying about today: Cruises!

So you're trying to not think about the myriad threats to your health and safety that surround you daily, so you book a nice, relaxing cruise ship vacation. And the next thing you know, you're wading through rivers of raw sewage. That's what happened to the 4000 passengers and crew aboard the cruise ship Triumph this week following a fire that knocked out the ship's power. Incidentally, the threat of fire aboard ship isn't the first danger that springs to my mind when I think about an ocean cruise. After all, you're surrounded by water. Do I worry about falling overboard? Of course. Sinking from hitting an iceberg? Naturally. Pirates? Sure. But not a fire. It just goes to show that the stuff you least expect is probably what'll get you.

Anyway, the lack of power left the massive ship drifting in the ocean, miles from land and apparently with no means of pumping poop through the plumbing system. It's unclear why that resulted in sewage running down the walls and through the halls, but that's what happened. With the toilets out of commission, passengers and crew were left sharing plastic garbage bags when they needed to go to the bathroom. Talk about a horror that even my anxious imagination never anticipated.

If you've ever watched the movies Poseidon Adventure or Titanic, you're already aware that horrifying things can happen to you on the open sea. Not the least of which is having to see Kate Winslet naked. But even those disaster movies don't prepare you for rivers of excrement on the shuffleboard court. This incident is definitely a learning experience. From now on, we'll all bring our own supply of plastic bags with us wherever we go.

Inaugural Edition of Our Daily Fret!

To celebrate the new format for this blog, we have a special threat to worry about today: Asteroids!
It's bad enough that an asteroid wider than a football field is passing within 17,000 miles of earth today, but at least we saw this one coming. What's worse is that a smaller hunk of rock committed a sneak attack on Russia this morning. It broke windows, damaged buildings, and caused hundreds of injuries. Apparently it was too small and moving too fast for us to know it was in the neighborhood. Seriously? This thing weighed tons, and it was too small to see? The sum total of human technology was just out-smarted by a hunk of rock. It's your move, paper and scissors.

And don't let your guard down yet, because earth is on a collision course with larger asteroids in the not-too-distant future. And these are big enough to see from space. For instance, an asteroid called Apophis that's over 1000 feet across was originally scheduled to possibly hit earth in 2036. A rock that big and moving at 30,000 miles per hour could totally ruin your plans for a relaxing retirement. But now scientists tell us it won't get very close after all. Killer Asteroid Article Of course, what I'm wondering is if they were wrong before about the collision, who's to say they're not wrong now? In other words, I'm not selling my helmet.

Pop culture confusion

Today I was standing in line at Wal-Mart reading the cover of US Weekly when it dawned on me that I had no idea who any of those people are. None of them. Apparently someone knows them, because the US Weekly editors were just referring to them by first names, but I didn't have a clue. So does this mean that I'm officially old and permanently out of the pop culture loop? Maybe, but perhaps more evidence is needed before I move to a retirement home and start wearing black socks with my sandals.

Fortunately, there's a source for that additional evidence. I watched the Grammy Awards last night and was startled to find that I knew who most of the nominees and presenters were. Not all of them, but most. I even had some of the Grammy-nominated songs on my phone. OK, I'm feeling less clueless already.

Here's the final test: I spent the weekend at the Capricon science fiction/fantasy convention and it was a blast. It's so much fun to be surrounded by people who like the same movies, books, and TV shows that I do. I understood the slogans on the T-shirts, the jokes, and had lots to talk about with the other conference attendees.

What does all this mean? Probably that I'm a little out of it (Who's Kourtney and why does US Magazine think she's important?), but when it comes to cool stuff (like Grimm and hobbits) I'm not quite ready for a senior citizens discount on the Early Bird Special. Not that an Early Bird Special is so bad. What's not to love about spending less on dinner, then getting home before it gets dark?