A newscaster just announced excitedly, "The royal water has broken!" Gross. But apparently this means Prince William and his wife the former Kate Middleton are about to become parents. The birth of someone else's baby isn't usually something that would cause me to panic, but in this case I've just started worrying.
The U.S. government loves to release controversial information and bad news at times when the media is off its game. Lousy economic results, for instance, can be counted upon to emerge on Fridays at 5 p.m. before a three-day weekend. So today when every news outlet in America has its eyes trained on Princess Kate's birth canal, there's the perfect opportunity for government to release the most offensive news that it's been keeping under wraps for months. They could let us know that Congress voted to spend $10 trillion to convert the moon to a Death Star. The Constitution's been amended and George W. Bush is eligible to be president again. Federal tax rates have been increased to 150% of gross earnings. The possibilities are endless and equally terrifying. Although the thing about George Bush being president again is obviously the most chilling.
So stay alert and pay special attention to any news coming out of Washington today. It's definitely something they don't want you to know.