The guy from Hello gets his say

            You know how sometimes there's a song that just sets your teeth on edge every time you hear it? That's how I feel about Adele's Hello. Why is it so popular? Has anyone listened to the lyrics? It sounds like the ravings of a narcissistic ex-girlfriend who won't get a life and go away. This song seems to be telling crazy ex-girlfriends everywhere that's it's okay to keep badgering the poor sap who thought he was rid of them years ago.

            Turns out, Adele said during an interview that the song isn't about a breakup. She claims it's about herself or about her son or about people she's known in her life or something. Still, most people aren't going to do research into the deep meaning behind a pop song's lyrics. Which means that ex-girlfriends worldwide will hear this song and think it's giving them permission to stalk a guy who clearly has no interest in their brand of crazy.

            So I thought I'd offer some insight into what the guy from this song is thinking as his obsessive ex is howling into the phone at him. This long-suffering man deserves to have his side of the story told.

Hello, it's me

            Why did I answer? I need caller ID.
I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet
To go over everything

            After YEARS apart, why would I want to re-hash a bunch of pointless drama?

They say that time's supposed to heal ya
But I ain't done much healing

            After YEARS, you're still dwelling on this? Maybe you need a better shrink.

Hello, can you hear me
I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be

            You spend your time daydreaming in California? I drive a snowplow in Jersey.
When we were younger and free
I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

            You mean how the world fell at YOUR feet? Snowplow, remember?

There's such a difference between us
And a million miles

            Why don't you remind me how awesome you are and how lame I am?

Hello from the other side
I must have called a thousand times

            Do you have a Do Not Call Registry? Because I'd love to get on it.
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

            You couldn't take the hint? Ever thought I might be screening my calls?

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried

            It's wonderful that bothering me can make you feel better about yourself.
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

            No, I broke up with you, not the other way around. And now I remember why.

Hello, how are you?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself I'm sorry

            Finally, you got something right.
I hope that you're well
Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened

            I love this town. They elected me mayor. It got way better after you left.

It's no secret that the both of us
Are running out of time

            Speak for yourself. I'm not the one obsessed with a ticking biological clock.

So hello from the other side
I must have called a thousand times

            And my new wife is pretty sick of it.
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

            Do I need to change my number? And my name?
Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried

            Do you realize that you're completely self-absorbed?

To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

            No, I'm not torn apart. Moving on feels good. You should try it.