Monday, February 12, 2018

Lessons from the 2018 Winter Olympics


It’s Olympics time again! I’m not an athlete by any definition of the word, yet I’m enthralled by the Olympics for some reason. For that reason, nothing will be accomplished at my house while there’s the possibility of watching Shaun White slide around a halfpipe. It’s better to just admit it and enjoy the ride. I’ve learned a few things since Thursday when I started watching the Olympics nonstop:

1. Bling is appropriate attire for all figure skaters—both male and female—as well as commentators and spectators for figure skating events.

2. Female athletes in practically all other sports have long hair that hangs out the back of their big knit ski caps with pompons on top. Under those hats, you’ve got some serious cases of hat-head.

3. Even if you nearly died in pursuit of excellence in your sport, that doesn’t give you an excuse to quit and get a less hazardous job. One year after being in a medically induced coma, you must be back on the ice, slopes, etc. and you will be called “brave” or “heroic” because of your lack of concern for your own personal safety.

4. Age 25 is old. Age 30 is ancient. Anyone over 35 in the Olympic Village must be either an athlete’s mom or Katie Couric. 

5. Many of these sports are nothing more than elaborate practical jokes. Curling comes to mind. Other “sports” like the luge, started when a couple of bored Scandinavians were looking for something to do during their 15-month-long winter. One guy said, “Here, hold my beer.” Next thing you know, Sven is sliding down a mountain on a piece of wood duct-taped to a couple skates. Since Sven was unlikely to survive, Lars got to drink his beer.

6. You don’t have to be from a country in order to represent that nation in the Olympics. It’s unclear why. That seems like the basic point of this entire exercise, yet plenty of people are representing countries that they have never even travelled to. Seriously. They don’t speak the language and couldn’t identify that nation’s capital. Yet, there they are, skating (or luging or skiing, etc.) their hearts out for the fine people of ___­____ (insert random country name here).

7. Most of this is pretty meaningless in the grand scheme of things. None of these athletes are doing anything that’s particularly beneficial to humanity or our planet. Is it important to know how fast an 18-year-old can ski a course of bumps and jumps? Not really. It won’t cure cancer or eliminate hunger or fix global warming. It’s nice that people from nations around the world can get together and live in one little village for a few weeks without killing each other, but keep in mind that they’re all locked in serious competition with one another the whole time. It’s not like they’re all there for a drum circle or something.

It's time to get back to my TV. At any moment, Shaun White might find himself on the side of a snow-covered mountain, and I'm going to see every moment of it.

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