A career change seems appropriate. Sure, writing's nice and all, but I might be better suited for a career in TV. No, not acting. That would demand that I don't gain weight and sometimes have to kiss perfect strangers on camera.
No, I'm thinking more along the lines of television programming. I plan to sell my services to rival TV networks. Whoever pays me the most will get me to watch their rival networks' new season of TV shows. If I'm watching the shows, that will guarantee that no one else on the planet will watch them and they'll be immediately cancelled. No matter how good they are.
Think of the advantage for the network that pays me! The obvious implication here is that no matter how lousy the shows that my employing network is producing, they'll stay on the air as long as I don't watch them. No matter how excellent the rival networks' shows are, they'll be cancelled!
You might wonder what qualifies me for this particular line of work. Let me give you some examples of great shows that I watched that were cancelled within their first season: Firefly. I loved Firefly. Everyone who ever watched Firefly loved it. That was the best show ever. And it had a target on its forehead before the first episode even aired. Remember Moonlight with the vampires and the reporter? Gone. Last season I watched The Finder. Apparently everyone heard that I liked it because it was cancelled.
Maybe you think this is just a recent phenomenon that's occurring because of the heightened competition for viewers in an internet world. But no, my ability to kill a TV show has existed for years. There was a TV show on years ago based on the Mortal Kombat video game. It was terrific. And it was cancelled. They left me hanging after the end of Season 1.
Thankfully there have been some exceptions over the years, and I'm grateful that my curse didn't afflict shows like Grimm and Person of Interest. I foolishly watched those shows from their first episodes, laughing at fate and daring the networks to cancel them. But somehow they managed to survive, even though I was watching. These shows were the exception, and too many others succumbed to my kiss of death.
This year the curse has struck again. I've been enjoying 666 Park Avenue and Last Resort, only to learn recently that they're both going the way of other entertaining programs that weren't identical to every other show on TV. What's wrong with just giving a show a chance to build an audience?
But enough whining. As long as the networks are going to mess with me anyway, I might as well make some money from it. So, attention TV executives: If you want to see your rivals' new season go the way of the dinosaur, just write a check to me. And don't be stingy. You're going to have to outbid all the other networks, otherwise my curse will be used against you. Nothing personal; it's just business. I look forward to working with you.