Diet "Experts"!

After reading a lot of books full of advice about how to lose weight and be healthy, I've become very worried about the people who call themselves diet "experts." They all have different opinions, and they all claim that their way is the only way to live a healthy life and avoid leaving behind a fat, ugly corpse when you die prematurely of some hideous disease. But since everyone has a different opinion, there's no way to know which one is right. And they all seem pretty ridiculous and impractical in their own way.

I just finished reading yet another book that promises to help me get skinny and healthy, as long as I follow the authors' program. Unfortunately, I got to the middle of the book before realizing that their actual agenda was to convince everyone to stop eating meat, dairy, and all other animal products. Apparently, if I eat nothing but fruits, vegetables, and soybeans that are molded into fake meat. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? Their suggested menu for breakfast: Eat a piece of fruit, then another one, then another one. Apparently no one told these women that bagels were invented to give people incentive to get out of bed in the morning.

There are lots of other so-called diet experts who claim that the vegan diet recommendations from the skinny book are plain wrong. I receive a natural health email newsletter every day, and the guy who writes it says that meat, dairy, and eggs are important to a healthy diet. Unfortunately, the suggestions about how to eat these things are a little, um, unconventional. He thinks we should eat eggs, but only raw ones. (Yick!) Milk is fine, but it has to be un-pasteurized, which can contain bacteria that could make people sick. Some fruits are OK, but many are a problem because they contain sugar, and they all have to be organic. Veggies are very good, as long as they're organic and raw. Oh, and those bagels I want for breakfast are out of the question.

There are other diets floating around out there, including the high-protein, low-carb variety and the low-fat type. Allegedly, both are the only way to lose weight, keep the weight off, and become healthy. And both completely contradict each other, not to mention the skinny diet and the raw egg diet.

So what can we eat while abiding by all the guidelines in these various diet plans? Eggs? No. Meat? Be serious. Milk and cheese? Not a chance. A cookie? Don't be ridiculous. Blueberries? Nope. Which leaves us with raw organic spinach and maybe a carrot on your birthday. Yum. Thank goodness I spent the time reading all these diet books so I could get such excellent, practical advice. I think it's time to just give up and order a pan pizza. It might not be so good for my body, but it's excellent for my spirit.