Do Not Mow

It looks like Walking Dead might be revving up for some more filming in Senoia, Georgia this upcoming week. The now-familiar sign is back on Route 16 that says the street in front of the Senoia Library will be closed all day from September 23 until the 29th. It was shut down like that a couple weeks ago for WD filming, but I didn't want to jump to any conclusions.

So yesterday, I drove down the street to see if there was any other sign that there might be zombies invading Senoia this week. Sure enough, the lawns lining the street had "Do Not Mow" signs stuck in them. Normally that wouldn't mean much to me, but according to people who live in neighborhoods where they've filmed before, the WD producers sometimes pay homeowners in filming locations to not mow their lawns. This makes it look like the homes aren't being taken care of after their owners turn into mindless feeding machines.

Who would have guessed that during a zombie apocalypse, yard maintenance is the first thing to suffer.

Zombie disease?

So I'm minding  my own business today, watching the news and eating lunch, when the newscaster tells me about a patient who died in New Hampshire from some horrible brain disease that's related to Mad Cow. Apparently this disease might have infected up to 13 other people around the country because the deseased person had brain surgery before he died. The equipment they used for the surgery was rented (They rent surgical equipment?!?), and it's been used on other patients since then. Unfortunately, this strain of mad cow-related disease is so monsterous that it isn't killed by traditional sterilization techniques. So it's a deadly disease that's so dangerous it can't be killed. I immediately thought of zombies.

My advice for dealing with this potentially zombie-related situation:
1) Don't bother with sterilization. Just shoot the disease-causing organisms in the head.
2) Tell Daryl to get his crossbow.
3) Carl, stay in the house!

Stay safe out there.

It's a (zombie) wrap

The zombies have left the building. Driving by downtown Senoia today, it was clear that this round of Walking Dead filming was done. The trailers and cars and signs redirecting traffic were all gone. Which is kind of scary because it means all those zombies are roaming the countryside, perhaps on their way to your community. Actually, they're probably going to Atlanta.

It makes sense that they'd have to finish up if any of the Walking Dead cast members are going to attend DragonCon in Atlanta this weekend. If you've never been to DragonCon, may I recommend that you slip into your Star Fleet uniform, jump in the car, and make your way to Atlanta. They do this massive sci fi/fantasy convention every year over Labor Day weekend, and it's crazy. Think tens of thousands of your best friends overflowing from multiple huge conference hotels, all talking about sci fi/fantasy movies, TV, books, gaming, and everything else you can imagine. I've never experienced anything quite like it. Bring your camera, your autograph book, and money for double espressos to keep you awake for the 24-hour festivities.

This year, some of my favorites are scheduled, including Data from Star Trek TNG, Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Monroe from Grimm. How can you help but have fun with a crew like that?

Have a happy DragonCon weekend!

Walking Dead still in Senoia

Roads are still closed and parking lots are still full of cars and trailers for the Walking Dead filming in Senoia, GA. According to the signs along Rt. 16, today's supposed to be the last day for road closures.

Rumor has it there was a private party for Walking Dead cast and crew last night at McGuire's  Restaurant in downtown Senoia. Of course, fans waited outside for their favorite cast members to emerge. Their patience was rewarded when Rick, Darryl, and a few others came out. The person who told me about this had been outside the restaurant and listed some other character names, but frankly, I stopped listening when I heard Darryl. All I could think about was whether he had his crossbow and motorcycle. And it gave me hope that he survives this upcoming season.

I also got a cool idea from one of the fans. She said she found a bag of plastic human ears at the dollar store. (Why would those exist? Maybe for Halloween?) She poked a hole in one and strung it on a chain and was wearing it around her neck a la Darryl in Season 2. Totally cool.

Happy zombie hunting, everyone! I'm going to go wait by the front door for UPS to arrive with the Season 3 DVDs that Amazon allegedly shipped yesterday.

Filming in Senoia, GA

If you're looking for Walking Dead filming news, I've got a bit to share. Driving past Senoia, GA today on Rt. 16, there's an electronic sign that says Pylant Street (the one the library's on) will be closed during the day starting today until August 28. Of course I stopped to check it out. I'd read that the Walking Dead people had requested permission at the Senoia City Council's last meeting to do some filming and have some road closures. Needless to say, I've been on alert for evidence of the crews ever since.

Today, they had a good portion of the downtown area between the Post Office and the library blocked off. So I parked and took a little stroll. Back behind the Post Office is an empty lot, and that's got a "crew parking" sign pointing to it. At 3 o'clock this afternoon, it was filled with cars. Parked along the street were various trucks, including the one below with the Jolly Roger flying from it. Nice touch!

There was another lot filled with trailers parked in a square, not to mention the usual collection of police cars with lights flashing and barricades to hold back fans who were eager to get a glimpse of what was going on.

 

If you want to stop in Senoia and check out the action, I recommend grabbing a coffee or lunch at the coffee shop at the corner by the old railroad tracks. They have chairs out in front where you can sip an iced coffee and watch for celebrities. Have fun, and happy zombie hunting!

 

Living among the Dead

What's really scary is a new theme for my blog. I've been focusing on anxiety-producing problems for the past few months, but it's been called to my attention by my cousin Annmarie Ortega (who doesn't pull any punches) that the most interesting thing I've currently got going on is that I just moved to the area in Georgia where they film The Walking Dead. She suggested that my blog should share tidbits and rumors and photos about this very popular topic. She's right, of course. Annmarie is a master (or mistress, if you will) of promotional ideas. So here goes: My inaugural edition of the new blog format Living among the Dead!

Just in time to celebrate te new format, my aunt (Annmarie's mom) sent me a housewarming present for my new house. Not the usual new dishtowels or houseplant. Not in my family. No, today's mail brought a box with a zombie gnome inside.

Keep in mind that this same aunt, along with her daughter Annmarie, gave me normal gnomes for my birthday last year. They're scattered around my yard, looking all cute and gnomish. Well, now they've got a problem because I unleashed Zombie Gnome to disrupt their idyllic little garden life. While Grandpa Gnome sits under a tree to read books to Child Gnomes or Brother Gnome snuggles up against the garden bench, they're being stalked by a red-mouthed gnomish menace. Zombie Gnome is lurking in a large pot of fragrant rosemary to conceal the smell of rotting flesh. He's terrifying. And he's just the perfect addition to a home located in the Walking Dead's backyard.

Stay safe, zombie fans! The gnomes are out there – and they're hungry.

Royal babies!

A newscaster just announced excitedly, "The royal water has broken!" Gross. But apparently this means Prince William and his wife the former Kate Middleton are about to become parents. The birth of someone else's baby isn't usually something that would cause me to panic, but in this case I've just started worrying.

The U.S. government loves to release controversial information and bad news at times when the media is off its game. Lousy economic results, for instance, can be counted upon to emerge on Fridays at 5 p.m. before a three-day weekend.  So today when every news outlet in America has its eyes trained on Princess Kate's birth canal, there's the perfect opportunity for government to release the most offensive news that it's been keeping under wraps for months. They could let us know that Congress voted to spend $10 trillion to convert the moon to a Death Star. The Constitution's been amended and George W. Bush is eligible to be president again. Federal tax rates have been increased to 150% of gross earnings. The possibilities are endless and equally terrifying. Although the thing about George Bush being president again is obviously the most chilling.

So stay alert and pay special attention to any news coming out of Washington today. It's definitely something they don't want you to know.

Dead People!

Sometimes I worry about dead people. In horror movies, zombies are pretty creepy because of their single-minded focus and complete inability to be reasoned with. Individually they're not a huge threat, but in large numbers (and they always come in large numbers), they're a force to be reckoned with. Vampires as depicted by Hollywood aren't terribly scary. Sure they're merciless murder machines, but it's usually over quickly and they're still human enough to maybe be talked out of killing a victim. In fact, if movies and TV are to be believed, vampires are more interested in falling in love and spending ridiculous amounts of money on humans than slaughtering them.

Ghosts freak me out because I actually believe in them. I make a point of avoiding movies and TV shows about hauntings or general ghost activity because they might prevent me from ever sleeping again. I worry about someday buying a house that's haunted, then not knowing what to do to get rid of it. You've got to disclose that to a potential buyer, right? And they'd probably insist that you drop your asking price. Talk about scary.

Anyway, speaking of scary things, I've just released a new book. I started writing it years ago when my husband and I moved into a house located next door to an old cemetery. (Much as I worry about dead people, old cemeteries aren't scary – just cool.) On one of our many walks through the graveyard, we noticed a headstone that marked the grave of a woman who had been born 150 years ago. Oddly, it didn't have a date of death carved on it. She had to be dead, but why wasn't her year of death on the gravestone? It piqued my curiosity, and I started doing some research to figure out what had happened. Unfortunately, I knew nothing about genealogical research, so the whole thing was a learning experience.

This new book of mine, called Graveyard Kids, is the fictionalized account of my search to figure out what happened to the tombstone's owner. It's a fascinating story that I tell from the perspective of a seventh grade girl who's living at the cemetery because her father is the graveyard's caretaker. And I might have added a little vampire intrigue to keep the readers' interest. The book is available at Amazon in both hard copy and Kindle versions, and it's also available everywhere else as an ebook. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Happy reading!

The Day We Fled Illinois

The Day We Fled Illinois

It's been a ridiculously long time since I've posted a blog, but I've got an excuse. And it's not one of those lame made-up excuses like "My dog ate my homework," or "The president's motorcade stopped me to ask for directions to the airport." I just moved from Illinois where I'd lived my whole life under a regime of prison-bound governors to the Great State of Georgia where the overalls are baggy and the grits are homemade. Am I worried about this major life change? If you've read any of the fretting blogs here, you know the answer to that. But it's also kind of exciting. And it seemed like the timing was right, both for the move itself and for our escape from Illinois on Saturday, June 1.

Why did we choose Georgia? My husband was offered a relocation at his work, so we decided to take them up on the adventure. Since our son's in college, we didn't have to worry about making him change schools, and we were 100% ready to never live through another Northern Illinois winter. So it was off to Georgia with four annoyed cats and a bunch of winter parkas that we refused to get rid of because we don't quite believe that it doesn't snow down here.

We were planning to leave on a Saturday morning, so the movers came and took away our furniture Friday. Without beds at our house, we decided to stay Friday night in a hotel. As we drove past the high school next door to our house, I saw a line of porta-potties in the parking lot.

"Do you suppose tomorrow's that charity run?" I asked my husband. Every summer since we'd been in that house, there had been a charity run that started at the high school, blasting music from the 80s and 90s through our windows at 6 a.m. on a Saturday morning. That's one thing I definitely wouldn't miss about our old house, and it seemed fitting that it would be happening on the day we were leaving.

"No!" my husband cried in horror. "We'll never get out of here tomorrow morning!" That's when I remembered the other associated inconvenience that came hand-in-hand with the charity run.

The police shut down our road before the race and it stays closed until the last pathetic straggler has completed the whole course. It takes hours. During which time we're not allowed to pull a car out of our driveway. So our plans to leave Saturday morning were just shot through the butt. Unless…

"If we can get out of the house really early tomorrow, we might be able to beat the road shut-down," my husband suggested.

"What time are we talking about here?" I asked nervously.

So we went to our favorite pizza place one last time before leaving town to consider our options. And sure enough, when we walked in, we came face-to-face with a bunch of people wearing charity race t-shirts. They were signing up late participants. We asked when the road was being closed the next morning. We were told 7:45 a.m. It was harsh, but at least we had a goal for our escape.

The next morning, we woke up at 5:00 a.m. and were down in our hotel lobby for the free breakfast when it opened at 6:00 a.m. By 6:30 we were back at our house. Of course, Michael Jackson tunes were blasting from speakers next door at the high school parking lot. But we didn't have time to think about that. We only had an hour, or we'd be trapped and we might not check into our hotel in Clarksville, Tennessee until midnight.

I handled the four cats: Feed them, clean litter boxes, put litter boxes into big plastic garbage bags and toss them in my car, give sedatives to the cats who weren't too old to handle the drugs, then capture them all and stuff them into their cat carriers.

My husband handled everything else: Clean out the fridge, last minute cleaning out of cabinets and drawers, sealing up the suitcases. We had thought we'd have plenty of time to do all this on Saturday morning, but that was before we knew the swarm of locusts…I mean charity-minded individuals…was about to descend upon our street and render us immobile for hours.

Everything was crammed into our two cars and we jumped into the drivers' seats. As we pulled out of our driveway one last time, we could see them coming. The runners were setting off early – it was only 7:30 a.m. – and the police were leading the way as they approached with their barricades for the road. As we put them in our rearview mirrors, it felt like the villagers were running us out of town with their pitchforks and torches. What a perfect way to take our leave of Illinois.

About a mile away, my husband and I pulled over to set our GPSs and make sure we hadn't forgotten anything vital, like one of the cats. But we were all there, and the drugged cats were already nodding off.

Six hours after racing out of what had been our hometown for the past 10 years ahead of a sweaty mob, we crossed the border into Kentucky. At the gas station, I realized the parking permit from the job I'd had to quit in order to relocate was still dangling from the rearview mirror. With a huge grin on my face, I tore it off and tossed it in the trash.

Time for a new adventure in Georgia…

Tigers!

Say you're at the circus, enjoying the show, when you decide it's time to hit the bathroom. You walk into the restroom and find yourself looking into the face of a real, live tiger. That's exactly what happened to a Kansas woman recently. http://news.yahoo.com/kan-woman-meets-circus-tiger-bathroom-171537184.html.
This incident has made me evaluate how I can make my own trips to the bathroom safer. After all, who knows when you'll step into the restroom (or your classroom or a parking garage, etc.) to find a tiger (or bear or zombie, etc.). So from now on, I will always carry a five-pound beef roast with me wherever I go. Before I step into any room, I crack the door open first and chuck in the meat. That way, if there's a hungry carnivore waiting on the other side, he/she/it will be distracted when I enter the room. It seems like a wise precaution, now that we're living in a world where tigers can be lurking in any bathroom.
Be safe out there!

Book promotion!

One of the (many) things I fret about is that I'm not doing enough to promote my books. Some writers seem like they're born for publicity, while others are pretty shy about tooting their own horns. I'm a shy tooter, so promotional activities are a challenge. But the cool thing is that sometimes it's possible to get someone else to do my tooting for me.

I co-wrote a book with my aunt, the psychic advisor Louise Helene. It's called I SAW YOUR FUTURE AND HE'S NOT IT, and it's full of love and relationship advice taken from the consultations my aunt has had with her clients. The book is funny and entertaining and offers excellent advice. And I'm not just tooting here.

Well, Louise Helene has been invited to be a guest on a few upcoming radio shows where she'll be talking about the book and maybe taking calls from listeners who have love and relationship questions. Following is a list of the upcoming shows. I hope you can stop by and listen. You'll definitely enjoy yourself and you might pick up some ideas for improving your love life.

- Guest on local Canadian radio show Passion on CJAD-AM in Montreal. It's scheduled for April 18th from 9:30 - 10:00 p.m. Central/10:30-11:00 p.m. Eastern.
- Guest on online radio show The Psychic Partners on May 13th from 5:30-6:00 p.m. Central/6:30-7:00 p.m. Eastern.
- Guest on online radio show Mystical Cruise Ship on Friday June 21 from 7:00-8:00 p.m. Central/8:00-9:00 p.m. Eastern.

Goodbye to Daxter

My cat Daxter had to be put to sleep today due to a liver tumor. I'm beating myself up about how much more I should have done to save him and how I should have taken him to the vet sooner when he started losing weight. As you know by reading this blog, half my life is spent fretting, worrying, and feeling anxious, but this is so much worse because there's an acute loss at the center of it. This is so much worse because Daxter's gone.

For a creature that only weighed ten pounds, Daxter had a huge personality that permeated our whole house and family. You couldn't take out the butter dish without slicing off a little taste for him, and I swear he could HEAR cream cheese when I brought it home from the grocery store. We had to buy him a collar with a bell so he wouldn't catch birds, but he still tried. Last summer, he chased a baby fox through our backyard, his bell jingling all the way.

My son found Daxter in the parking lot by his old karate school 10 years ago. He was a sick, scrawny kitten of about 6 months old. When I took him to our vet the next day, they asked me if I wanted to spend the time and money to get him healthy because he was a "fixer-upper." So we fixed him up, and we shared our lives with him for the better part of a decade.

Today I'm mourning my sweet little Daxter. He should have had a lot more years to chase foxes and mooch cream cheese. He should have been able to move to Georgia with us when we relocate in June. I wonder what he would have thought of an armadillo.

Rest in peace, Daxter. You're loved and missed, now and forever.

Diet "Experts"!

After reading a lot of books full of advice about how to lose weight and be healthy, I've become very worried about the people who call themselves diet "experts." They all have different opinions, and they all claim that their way is the only way to live a healthy life and avoid leaving behind a fat, ugly corpse when you die prematurely of some hideous disease. But since everyone has a different opinion, there's no way to know which one is right. And they all seem pretty ridiculous and impractical in their own way.

I just finished reading yet another book that promises to help me get skinny and healthy, as long as I follow the authors' program. Unfortunately, I got to the middle of the book before realizing that their actual agenda was to convince everyone to stop eating meat, dairy, and all other animal products. Apparently, if I eat nothing but fruits, vegetables, and soybeans that are molded into fake meat. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? Their suggested menu for breakfast: Eat a piece of fruit, then another one, then another one. Apparently no one told these women that bagels were invented to give people incentive to get out of bed in the morning.

There are lots of other so-called diet experts who claim that the vegan diet recommendations from the skinny book are plain wrong. I receive a natural health email newsletter every day, and the guy who writes it says that meat, dairy, and eggs are important to a healthy diet. Unfortunately, the suggestions about how to eat these things are a little, um, unconventional. He thinks we should eat eggs, but only raw ones. (Yick!) Milk is fine, but it has to be un-pasteurized, which can contain bacteria that could make people sick. Some fruits are OK, but many are a problem because they contain sugar, and they all have to be organic. Veggies are very good, as long as they're organic and raw. Oh, and those bagels I want for breakfast are out of the question.

There are other diets floating around out there, including the high-protein, low-carb variety and the low-fat type. Allegedly, both are the only way to lose weight, keep the weight off, and become healthy. And both completely contradict each other, not to mention the skinny diet and the raw egg diet.

So what can we eat while abiding by all the guidelines in these various diet plans? Eggs? No. Meat? Be serious. Milk and cheese? Not a chance. A cookie? Don't be ridiculous. Blueberries? Nope. Which leaves us with raw organic spinach and maybe a carrot on your birthday. Yum. Thank goodness I spent the time reading all these diet books so I could get such excellent, practical advice. I think it's time to just give up and order a pan pizza. It might not be so good for my body, but it's excellent for my spirit.

Receipts!

My husband recently accepted a work transfer to Georgia. Our move provides enough material for infinite Daily Fret blogs all by itself since we've both lived in Illinois our entire lives, and we don't know anyone in Georgia. But we'll get to that later. Later, as in some day when I'm not buried under a ton of garbage in every room in my house, trying to clean stuff out and pack. Which is why I haven't written a blog in maybe two weeks.

Anyway, today's Fret isn't about Georgia or the fact that I don't particularly care for peaches or the impending need for me to drive 12 hours in my car with a bunch of angry, crying cats in the backseat the whole way. Today's problem is that I can never find anything I'm looking for! We're preparing to sell our house, so I have to look back through my file cabinets and boxes of papers and random piles of paperwork stashed under furniture to find details about this place so we can offer it for sale. Because we're being relocated through my husband's company, we need to tell them how much we paid for our house, what's wrong with it, what kind of remodeling we've done over the past 10 years, and whether the place smells like cats.

In order to buy a new house in Georgia, we also have to dig up every bit of financial data we've ever come in contact with, including tax forms, pay stubs, and written receipts from the Salvation Army collection guy who we gave a dollar to last Christmas. Fortunately, I've got most of this stuff because I'm a packrat. Sadly, there's always one piece of paper - a vital piece of paper that's the key to every other piece - that I can't find. On Thursday, for instance, I literally spent from noon to 4 p.m. looking for a property tax bill from 2010. Oh, I had 2009 and 2011, but I needed 2010 and couldn't find it for 4 hours. It took so long because I had every other piece of paper from 2010, and I needed to search under them in order to find what I needed. The online version of the bill didn't have the one little detail that I needed, so I had to search. And eventually discover that it was where it should have been, but the paperclip had fallen off, so the page had gotten stuffed to the bottom of the tax envelope.

And it's not  just home-related stuff that goes missing. Today I had to find a receipt for my son's computer so he could get warranty service. We bought the extended, in-home warranty, so we're going to use it! But first I have to spend 2 hours looking for the receipt. It should have been in email, but it wasn't. Every other email was there. I have about 200 junk mails about buying low cost ink cartridges alone, but can I find the thing I need? Of course not.

So the moral of this story is that you can save 1000 tiny pieces of paper and have them filed clearly in just the right place, but the one you need won't be there when you need it. It makes me think that I should just throw all paperwork and receipts away immediately. Then I'll at least know that I don't have what I need, and I don't have to waste hours searching for it.

Daylight Savings Time - The Sequel!

I've always hated Daylight Savings Time, and now I've got scientific evidence that it's a plague on humanity. Waking up in the pitch dark to change the time on all my clocks is more than an inconvenience. Turns out, it's actually dangerous.

According to an article in the LA Times, hazards ranging from heart attacks to traffic accidents increase dramatically on the Monday following the time change. This "spring forward" nonsense strips us of an hour of much-needed sleep, which increases stress on our bodies. Sleep experts (yes, there are sleep experts) say it can take some people up to 3 weeks to get used to the new time.  http://www.latimes.com/health/boostershots/la-heb-daylight-saving-time-health-dangers-20130311,0,2861449.story

So be safe out there because apparently everyone's half asleep.

Daylight Savings Time!

I worry about daylight savings time all year. It totally messes with my life. Just as the sun is finally starting to rise at a decent time in the morning, the government swoops in and steals an hour from us. And if they can steal one hour, when who's to say they can't steal 2, 3, or 5 hours? Before we know it, the sun isn't rising until 11 o'clock in the morning and it's setting at midnight.

So now, starting tomorrow, I've got to get used to new times for everything from when I go to bed to mealtimes. And what about having to spend most of Sunday searching the house for clocks that need to be changed? This is the time of year when I, like so many other women, find myself asking: Why do I have so many watches?

Drones!

Time was we had to worry about drones they were worker bees that might sting. But now it's even worse. Today, drone is also a word for unmanned aircraft that the US government says can be used to kill American citizens without a trial or conviction. Call me crazy, but I prefer bees. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/05/us-drone-strike_n_2813857.html

As long as the government believes a person is a threat, he/she is a fair target. Never mind the Constitutional guarantee of a trial for anyone accused of a crime. The message is that our pesky Constitution is always getting in the way of good government, so it's easier to just ignore it. Again, I prefer bees. At least when they violate your Constitutional rights, it's only because they can't read.

In addition to the threat of death from above by these drone aircraft, there's another reason to fear drones. A airline pilot claims he spotted a drone near New York's JFK airport. It was 1500 feet in the air, which means it was high enough and close enough to the airport to possibly interfere with airplanes. If a drone were to be sucked into an engine, it could result in the engine malfunctioning and a possible crash. That has happened in the past when birds have gotten caught in airplane engines. It's potentially fatal for people in the plane, and it's not too healthy for the birds, either.

Sinkholes!

Give us this day our daily fret about something brand new: Sinkholes! Some poor guy in Florida goes to bed and the next thing you know, his bedroom is sucked into the earth! Who knew that could happen? Don't they check for that kind of stuff before they build a house? Are we all at risk, or is this horrifying phenomenon unique to Florida? After all, Florida does have its share of horrifying phenomena, like alligators on golf courses and waiting 2 hours in July sun to ride the Teacups. And don't get me started on the crimes against humanity I've seen Florida drivers commit.

So now we not only have to fear threats from above, like airplane parts falling from the sky on us (refer to that episode of the series Shameless if you don't know what I mean), and threats on the ground, like Florida drivers, but now we have to worry about the earth swallowing us up for no reason.

Apparently some people knew about this nightmare because I'm right now listening to a song by the Drive By Truckers in which they mention "bury his body in the old sinkhole." Maybe we should start taking song lyrics more seriously because they hold hints to the true threats we're facing every day. Do you suppose all those singers who have covered the song Landslide are trying to tell us something?

Dating!

Today's daily fret is about dating. It's hard and potentially very, very scary. What if you finally work up the courage to ask someone out, only to receive a look of barely concealed disgust accompanied by a firm "No"? Or worse, what if you get a date with someone, only to discover halfway through the night that the other person is a psycho? Hint: If your date requests a piece of your hair during the date, he/she is a psycho. And worst of all, what if you get a date and it works out and you eventually have to meet your new love's family? Oh, the horror!

So it's clear that single people can use a little help with the terrors of dating. My new book I SAW YOUR FUTURE AND HE'S NOT IT that I co-wrote with my aunt Louise Helene, has lots of good advice for women trying to find Mr. Right. And we just found out that the UK website for singles Smarter Dating has posted an article about our book. Click the link to check it out!

Doorbells!

Author Dorothy Parker used to say, "What fresh hell can this be?" whenever her doorbell rang. She was right that no good can come of the doorbell. If you're expecting someone you want to see, you're probably looking out for them and open the door before they ring. That's why the bell always throws me into a panic. Here are the options for who it could be:

1.     Psycho killer. We've all seen the movies where a contract killer or other lunatic is looking to kill someone in the neighborhood, so he needs a safe, comfy hideout while waiting for the opportunity. That comfy hideout is your house. When you open the door, you get plugged so he can watch for the guy next door who's in Witness Protection or whatever. Why would anyone invite this kind of unpleasantness into their home?

2.     Religious zealot. This deviant is trying to earn a place in heaven by inflicting his irrational beliefs on you. No, thanks.

3.     Politician or politician's deluded acolyte. He wants your vote so he can spend the coming decades earning a high salary and rewarding his supporters with your tax money. Get off my porch before I release the dogs.

4.     Girl Scout. Selling diabetes for $4 a box, and you feel like a jerk if you say no. Shouldn't that kid be in school?

5.     Neighbor. Wants to suck you into his nonsense, perhaps by hosting a Neighborhood Watch meeting or taking care of his dog while he's on vacation. Sorry, I'll be out of town that day/week/year/decade.

Wikipedia!

Wikipedia is omnipotent. It knows all and provides that knowledge to the world within seconds of it happening. Yes, it's cool, but also more than a little unsettling. Here's what convinced me: Mere moments ago, the convicted Illinois wife killer Drew Peterson was sentenced to 38 years in prison. His Wikipedia page is already updated. Wow!

Aliens on the Space Station!

Aliens! I just heard a story on the news that our scientists lost contact with the International Space Station for about 3 hours today. Communications are back online now, but does anyone else see this as the beginning of an Alien-esque horror movie? What if the communications were disrupted while aliens took over the station and replaced all of its personnel with alien clones? Does anyone else see this disruption coming within days of a Russian asteroid as more than a coincidence? Sure, it sounds far-fetched, but a couple weeks ago we would have thought a story about power loss on a cruise ship resulting in poop running down the walls would have sounded far-fetched, too.

I'm not saying we're in imminent danger of being overtaken by evil alien overlords. But I'm not saying we're safe from them either. Keep your eyes on the skies.

Bugs! Or maybe Cousins!

Parasitic Bugs! Or maybe this one should be called Cousins! Because I'm only freaked out about bugs due to my cousin filling my head with worries about them.

I've never given any thought to either bedbugs or lice, until my cousin Annmarie got involved. It started out when we went to a writing conference together. I booked a room at the conference hotel and thought everything was fine until Annmarie calls me to say that she had done some checking and found some complaints on the internet about bedbugs at this particular hotel. I tried to talk her down by saying that every hotel on the planet probably has internet complaints about it. That's what the internet's for.

I tried to sound sensible about the bugs, but when I got into my room, I immediately did those spot-checks you're supposed to do where you look between the mattress and box spring for bedbugs. I also kept my suitcase off the floor on one of those luggage racks. And before I went home, I put all my dirty clothes in a plastic bag and immediately dumped them into the washing machine when I got back.

Then yesterday I went to the movies, and another of my cousin's obsessions took hold of me. She'd said that she knew someone who thinks they got lice at the movie theater from leaning back against the seat. What?!? How is that possible? And what can you do about it besides either shaving your head or locking yourself up in your house and never going out?

How did I handle this situation? By going to the first show of the day in that theater. My thinking was that the last person had sat in that seat at least 12 hours earlier, which is long enough for lice to die. Then I made the mistake of mentioning this to my friend who was at the movies with me. And she told me that lice can live longer than 12 hours on surfaces. She'd know, too, because she's a teacher. I spent the entire movie feeling itchy.

Now I don't know which is more frightening: Parasitic bugs clinging to me or my cousin's name on the caller I.D.

Cruises!

What we're worrying about today: Cruises!

So you're trying to not think about the myriad threats to your health and safety that surround you daily, so you book a nice, relaxing cruise ship vacation. And the next thing you know, you're wading through rivers of raw sewage. That's what happened to the 4000 passengers and crew aboard the cruise ship Triumph this week following a fire that knocked out the ship's power. Incidentally, the threat of fire aboard ship isn't the first danger that springs to my mind when I think about an ocean cruise. After all, you're surrounded by water. Do I worry about falling overboard? Of course. Sinking from hitting an iceberg? Naturally. Pirates? Sure. But not a fire. It just goes to show that the stuff you least expect is probably what'll get you.

Anyway, the lack of power left the massive ship drifting in the ocean, miles from land and apparently with no means of pumping poop through the plumbing system. It's unclear why that resulted in sewage running down the walls and through the halls, but that's what happened. With the toilets out of commission, passengers and crew were left sharing plastic garbage bags when they needed to go to the bathroom. Talk about a horror that even my anxious imagination never anticipated.

If you've ever watched the movies Poseidon Adventure or Titanic, you're already aware that horrifying things can happen to you on the open sea. Not the least of which is having to see Kate Winslet naked. But even those disaster movies don't prepare you for rivers of excrement on the shuffleboard court. This incident is definitely a learning experience. From now on, we'll all bring our own supply of plastic bags with us wherever we go.

Inaugural Edition of Our Daily Fret!

To celebrate the new format for this blog, we have a special threat to worry about today: Asteroids!
It's bad enough that an asteroid wider than a football field is passing within 17,000 miles of earth today, but at least we saw this one coming. What's worse is that a smaller hunk of rock committed a sneak attack on Russia this morning. It broke windows, damaged buildings, and caused hundreds of injuries. Apparently it was too small and moving too fast for us to know it was in the neighborhood. Seriously? This thing weighed tons, and it was too small to see? The sum total of human technology was just out-smarted by a hunk of rock. It's your move, paper and scissors.

And don't let your guard down yet, because earth is on a collision course with larger asteroids in the not-too-distant future. And these are big enough to see from space. For instance, an asteroid called Apophis that's over 1000 feet across was originally scheduled to possibly hit earth in 2036. A rock that big and moving at 30,000 miles per hour could totally ruin your plans for a relaxing retirement. But now scientists tell us it won't get very close after all. Killer Asteroid Article Of course, what I'm wondering is if they were wrong before about the collision, who's to say they're not wrong now? In other words, I'm not selling my helmet.

Pop culture confusion

Today I was standing in line at Wal-Mart reading the cover of US Weekly when it dawned on me that I had no idea who any of those people are. None of them. Apparently someone knows them, because the US Weekly editors were just referring to them by first names, but I didn't have a clue. So does this mean that I'm officially old and permanently out of the pop culture loop? Maybe, but perhaps more evidence is needed before I move to a retirement home and start wearing black socks with my sandals.

Fortunately, there's a source for that additional evidence. I watched the Grammy Awards last night and was startled to find that I knew who most of the nominees and presenters were. Not all of them, but most. I even had some of the Grammy-nominated songs on my phone. OK, I'm feeling less clueless already.

Here's the final test: I spent the weekend at the Capricon science fiction/fantasy convention and it was a blast. It's so much fun to be surrounded by people who like the same movies, books, and TV shows that I do. I understood the slogans on the T-shirts, the jokes, and had lots to talk about with the other conference attendees.

What does all this mean? Probably that I'm a little out of it (Who's Kourtney and why does US Magazine think she's important?), but when it comes to cool stuff (like Grimm and hobbits) I'm not quite ready for a senior citizens discount on the Early Bird Special. Not that an Early Bird Special is so bad. What's not to love about spending less on dinner, then getting home before it gets dark?

The agony of rejection

Everybody has those days sometimes when they want to throw up their hands in frustration and go lay on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn for a Star Trek: the Next Generation marathon. Today is one of those days.

I got another rejection letter today for a manuscript that's really good. This isn't bragging - it's objectively a very good manuscript, if the comments I've received from multiple editors are to be believed. And why would they lie to me? If anything, they'd be better off telling me it sucks so I'll go away and not bother them with anymore of my hideous stories. But instead, I've been told this is a very funny, clever, well-written manuscript. I've heard this repeatedly from multiple different people who I did not pay to say those kind words. And yet every single one of them has still rejected the manuscript. I know I should just be grateful for the compliments - and I am - but it's hard to read that glowing first paragraph of a letter and get your hopes up, then get to the second paragraph and see the word "Unfortunately." I've come to hate that word.

Why all the rejections for an enjoyable manuscript? A variety of reasons, none of which I can do anything about. For some, the manuscript is too different from other things on the market; in other words, it's too big a risk. Others say it's too similar to other things that are on the market. Still others say that while their publishing house wants to branch out into books like mine, the time isn't quite right yet. I've also been told that an editor loved it, but the marketing department said no.

In all of these cases, there's nothing I can do about the rejection. There's no suggestion of a re-write to make it more appealing. I'm just told "good luck with another publisher." But I'm running out of publishers that might be appropriate for this book. I've even put this thing on a shelf for a couple years to give the market a chance to change a bit. But when I dusted it off, updated it, and sent it off again, I got another round of "great book, not for us" letters.

So what to do? It looks like a night of licking my wounds over mindless TV and popcorn, then tomorrow I'll try again. The thought that keeps me going is that someday I'll get that letter that doesn't contain the dreaded word "unfortunately" in the second paragraph. Instead I'll just see the word "YES!"

Fun with Thrift Store Art

Sometimes the internet has the coolest stuff and I feel compelled to share it with the world. Like today, for instance. One of my friends posted this link on Facebook about what to do with those landscape paintings they often sell at thrift stores. http://twistedsifter.com/2012/04/adding-monsters-to-thrift-store-paintings/. Now I just need to learn to paint and I can enjoy hours of entertainment for about $3 and the cost of a paintbrush.
Happy painting!
Kim

We made it to BuzzFeed!

Great news! My new book I SAW YOUR FUTURE AND HE'S NOT IT that I co-wrote with my aunt Louise Helene was named to their list of top 12 most unusual dating books. It's in terrific company, including "Dating the Undead" and "If the Buddha Dated." Sounds like a most entertaining list! http://www.buzzfeed.com/annanorth/the-12-most-unusual-dating-books-on-the-market
Happy reading!

I Saw Your Future in the wild

After yesterday's release of I SAW YOUR FUTURE AND HE'S NOT IT: A PSYCHIC'S GUIDE TO TRUE LOVE, I'm thrilled to report that it's being spotted in bookstores! It was on the shelf of the New Age section in Barnes and Noble's Joliet, IL store, and a few miles away at the Geneva, IL Barnes & Noble. Nice! Please let me know if you spot a copy at a bookstore near you.
Kim

I Saw Your Future and He's Not It Release Day

What do the drummer, the crier, and the guy who fled into the night have in common? They're all men who are featured in stories from I Saw Your Future and He's Not It: A Psychic's Guide to True Love. This entertaining relationship book published by Llewellyn Worldwide is just in time to help get your love life (or your best friend's or your sister's or your cousin's, etc.) in order for Valentine's Day. http://www.llewellyn.com/product.php?ean=9780738734934

I co-wrote this book with psychic advisor Louise Helene, who has spent many years advising her clients on their love and relationship problems. The stories in the book are uplifting and run the gamut from touching to hilarious. You will also learn interesting facts like why people cheat on their partners and how much money people actually spend on their search for true love. You'll even find exercises designed to improve your own ability to listen to your intuition and understand what actions to take in your own life.

Starting today, I Saw Your Future is available everywhere. I hope it helps bring you happiness and love in 2013.